Bachelor in Paradise is like eating a Cinnabon. You feel a little gross eating it but it’s just so good.

Feel free to judge but I have a shameless love of this ABC reality gem. It is truly a secondary embarrassment gold mine. I can’t even count the number of times Drew and I looked over at each other with that bug-eyed emoji face. If I had to guess, I’d say 32 times. But that number could easily be twice as high.

In case you’re not familiar, Bachelor in Paradise is another chance at love for a bunch of Bachelor/Bachelorette cast-offs. When I say “chance at love” I really mean, the chance to embarrass the crap out of yourself while also sneaking in a few hook-ups. For some of the contestants, I say “you go Glen Coco.” Why not accept a free trip to Mexico with a bunch of hotties? You’re 26, single, good-looking with a vague job description. But when you’re 34 and doing your third (or fourth) tour of duty on this show, it may be time to evaluate your life choices. But hey, who am I to judge and anyways, those people usually make for the best TV, so come on back!

In a moment of total devastation, I realized when we got home on Sunday that our DVR did not record the first episode. So we caught up last night on Sunday’s two-hour premiere but have yet to watch last night’s additional two-hours. This is turning out to be a serious time commitment.

It wouldn’t take long to compile a top ten from the premier but in the interest of getting back to my real job, here’s my top five.

* Arrival Outfits. Did someone not tell this crew that they were going to the beach? Why were Tenley, Dan, Carly and a handful of others whose names I’ve already forgotten dressed like they were going to a low-rent club? Hey gals, you’re going to be on the beach so you can leave the spike heels at home. I guess the alternative is Ashley I. who dressed like she was heading to a job interview at American Apparel.

Speaking of Ashley I., what the what was up with her wedge all-black sneakers paired with her bikini top and cut-offs for her one-on-one with Jared? I think her sister had the best line of the night when she told her that she looked like a total idiot from the waist down.

* Ashely I. I could seriously devote this entire post to Ashley I. What is wrong with her? First off, homegirl cries NON-STOP. Not only does she cry but she keep wiping her eyes off with her chiclet nails. She had to have cried five times in the first day. What could possibly be wrong?

Then the Jasmine thing. I just can’t. When she was sitting at the campfire beside Jared and Tanner talking about her Jasmine princess stuff, I almost curled up and died in a fit of secondary embarrassment. As if that wasn’t tragic enough, she thought that conversation went WELL. I guarantee if you asked them afterwards what she was talking about they would have no idea. There is absolutely no chance they were listening to the words coming out of her mouth. Well except the part where she talked about her Jasmine bikini and pointed at her boobs.

And then the date with Jared. Gah, the lead up was BRUTAL. JJ definitely nailed it when he said it looked like Jared would rather take a beat down than go on a date with her. Luckily for Jasmine, Aladdin was a gentleman and didn’t run in horror when she called his name (no one would have been mad if you had). The date itself was a giant “Bless Her Heart” moment. Jared needs to get a pretty epic date with Jade for enduring that nonsense.

Even worse, she gets to bring her sister – the definitely-not-a-virgin one (her words not mine so don’t yell at me) along for the sh*t-show. Gotta love the producers just being like, “Oh you have a morally loose sister who also cries at the drop of a hat, you should for sure bring her.” Lauren is, in my opinion, the prettier sister but clearly has the same penchant for dramatics. We should all say a prayer for their father. Or should we? This may be all his fault.

* Jade. This Playboy-alum is the hands-down hottie of the house. Girlfriend is in high demand and I can’t blame the guys for swarming around her. I mean that part on the beach when she was holding court with five dudes was pretty comical. It looked like they might line up and present her with gifts at any moment (although I’m not sure any of us want to see what kind of gifts they give her).

Since poor old Jared already got scooped up by crazy-pants, Jade is forced to retreat to the balcony and survey her choices from above (you know, to check for bald spots).  I loved when they showed her literally standing immediately above the circle as they discussed her options. That had to be planned right?

I get why Jade is a hot commodity. She is obviously smoking hot but also doesn’t seem to be a total crazy face (Ashley S.). She also doesn’t seem to be wearing a wig/extensions (Carly), an overwhelming amount of eye makeup (Ashley I.), she’s not past her prime (Tenley) or some random (Lauren).

Her date with Tanner was sweet but can we all agree there’s no chance that works out (watch, now they’ll end up married).

* Jonathan. Okay so this is out of left field but I dig Jonathan mostly because it is obvious that he is there to hookup. Yup, that’s it. Just hook up with as many chicks as possible. He’s not setting his expectations to high. Sure, he’d love to hit the fantasy suite with Jade but he knows he’s more like to land the one-two punch of Ashley and her sister Lauren.

Gone is the aw shucks cutie from Kaitlyn’s season. Jonathan is her to put in work and I applaud him. Here’s hoping he sticks around long enough to rack up.

* Mickey T. Who in their right mind invited Mickey T. to Bachelor in Paradise? Don’t be confused by his muscles, he is no lovable meat head in the mold of Cody Code. And he will NOT be going home with his very own Michelle Money this year.

This guy is the worst. He’s not that cute and he makes JJ look like a genuinely cool guy. I’m with Jade when she said that anyone who refers to himself as an Alpha Male the first time you meet him is a total chatch (okay she may not have said chatch but you get it). Lauren, who seems like she would be down with a douchey guido, can’t stand him and the rest of the girls are basically pushing him away every time he approaches.

Even Kirk, who was on his season, is putting distance between them. I’m thinking ABC threw the gals a bone (head) with Mickey in an attempt to make that first rose ceremony pretty easy.

###

Ahh, I didn’t even get to talk about Ashley S. getting carted off in an ambulance, Kirk and Carly’s awkward PDA talk and even more awkward first kiss (it was like watching two six-graders on a first date) and the wedding of Marcus and Lacy. And don’t get me started on how giddy Chris Harrison looks.

This Happened.

Bachelor in Paradise, thank you for making the most of the end of summer.

p.s. – I heard the second episode totally rips off my all-time favorite, Paradise Hotel, and I couldn’t be happier. Unlike Marcus and Lacy, it’s a reality match made in heaven.