Wow. Just wow.

I had ALMOST forgotten how crazy bananas this show can make girls. Haha, yeah right. The girls are already crazy but this show only fans the flames of their ‘hunt for love’ insanity. But before I go into my feelings on Ashley, let’s start at the very beginning.

Image: ABC TV

Yes, the beginning of a three-hour premier. What the what was with that red carpet? Is all they have to do is put out some free champagne and these “Bachelor Family” (yes, that’s what they call them) members just line up in their finest Cache formalwear? On another note, do SeanANDCatherine and JoshANDAndy always have to speak as one unit? Hey CH, can’t you just let them be their own person? Either way, SeanANDCatherine are still super annoying (what was with that coat?) and JoshAndAndi are smoking hot (that dress).

Also, how mad is Chris Bukoswski that they didn’t give him the camera time he so so desperately wanted? Do you think he and Elyse caught up for old time’s sake? Do you think Claire hooked up last night? So many Bachelor Family questions, so few answers. I think there should have been a separate ‘Bachelor Pad Does the Premiere” episode. It would have definitely been better than some of those red carpet interviews (I’m looking at you Nikki).

After an hour of the Bachelor People’s Choice Awards, it was finally time for Farmer Chris and his bevy of beachy wave beauties. Cue the home town montages. Those intro montages may be the best/worst part about this show.

Best for the fact that they finally cut the crap on this “just a simple farmer” profile and showed Chris for the fancy-ass farmer he really is. I no nothing about farming but I’d be willing to bet that tractor he was driving was worth more than half the houses on my block combined.

Worst for the shame and embarrassment of those small town George Michael poses he was forced to do all around town. #YouGottaHaveFaith

Special bonus points for the cameo by Cody Code. Love that guy. Kind of wish he and Michelle Money had scored their own reality show on Lifetime before that romance fizzled.

I think we need more of this bromance in our lives. Image: Instagram.com/ChrisSoules

For the sake of my 9-to-5 job, I cannot go into detail on every cringe inducing moment, so here’s my top five.

5. The Wrestler’s Dress. I have no idea what this chick’s name was and I am being very liberal when I call what she was wearing a dress. I’m pretty sure she snagged that at the Fredrick’s of Hollywood close-out sale but who knows. Either way, props to her for rocking it with pride as she strolled into the Mean Girl’s cafeteria of a living room. I don’t want to say too much more though because I’m sure that she could hunt me down and body slam me.

4. Ashley. Someone get that girl a pomegranate. And some eye drops. And some valium. Also, why did she look so scared? It was like she was kidnapped and dropped off in a hideous sparkling dress and had to navigate her way out. When Chris walked in she had the look of both fear and confusion that surely will be seen on every girl at one point this season. Seriously though, did she blink one time? Her craziness knew no bounds and I couldn’t be happier that production forced Chris to keep her around. I see a group date in her future.

3. Limogate 2015. Props to the producers for the limo red herring. Breaking the girls into two opposing teams of Bachelorettes was a bold and genius move. Special bonus points for clumping all the girls with props into that second group. Baby karaoke machines, gifts, motorcycles, some other stuff I’m forgetting right now. The panic that filled the room every time another girl walked in made me want to crawl under the cushions of my couch with secondary embarrassment while also chest bumping the producers in celebration.

Also, the math. Making the girls count like preschoolers at circle time (albeit drunk circle time) was amazing. “Wait how many of us are there?” Too many. Way too many.

2. Tara. Not to be mistaken for Tandra (who seems awesome if judging by her perfectly curled hair). Tara and her shoulder tattoo were there for a good time. Luckily so were her best buds Johnny, Jack and Jameson (her words, not mine). In her defense, if you made me sit in a room with that group of girls for what must have been 19 hours, I would probably get more than a little tipsy too. Is it bad that I was hoping she would yak or at least fall during that rose ceremony? Clearly Farmer Chris loves a good time party girl since he kept her around. She’s also going to be on that group date train (and possibly some impromptu swimming in clothes).

1. This Season’s Preview. Who knew that they would jam pack the season preview with so much secondary embarrassment. I have absolutely no idea what happens in that tent (sike I 100% know what happens in that tent) but the aftermath seems like it is gonna be serious. But really, I love the paradox of this show where they stick 25 girls into a competition to compete for a good looking (and rich to boot) guy and then get crazy mad when he actually gets down with one of them. You are setting him up for this.

I’m prepared to spend that episode (no matter how near or far) in a paralyzing state of embarrassment. I think you too should prepare.

There is so much more I left out. Like Amanada and her frightening mascara application, Princess Jasmine costume and crazy eyes. That girl that refuses to get the hell out at the end (spoiler alert: I bet they just make her leave), that girl that named her kid Kale but doesn’t know what alfalfa is, Britt and her free hugs, and Kaitlin’s jokes (okay, I left her out because I think she’s going to be kind of fun).  Oh yeah and Chris’ Iowa chicas. In the mean time, let’s all just hope they turn down the mic volume on those open mouth kisses because it sure looks like there are going to be a lot of them.

Until next week, stay tuned!