I was a little disappointed in last night’s episode although I was happy we’re back to the regular time suck of two hours and not three. The secondary embarrassment was still there – thanks Ashley! – but not quite as over the top as I expected when there are still 20+ girls left. I mean there was obviously the basics: over-served girl(s), awkward virgin girl, stressing over telling him about her kid girl and sad story girl. I’m going to half blame it on the fact that I wasn’t putting my full undivided attention into the show last night- stupid national championship game.

Maybe it’s because this show has been on since Chris Harrison was a newly wed but these stereotypical contestants are kind of boring me right now (the fact that there are stereotypical contestants shows just how long this show has been on). That being said there were still a handful of great moments that had me questioning the future of society. So let’s jump right in.

“Anyone else wish these were the tractor cows from the movie Cars? No? Just me. That’s cool. Also, what happened to my shoe laces?”  Image: ABC

1. Ashley. This gal is one of a kind and thank god for that. No but I honestly think we should all send a collective “Bachelor Family” (ugh how horrible and yet awesomely encompassing is that term) thank you to Ash. Without her “I was just possessed by a curious UFO” crazy eyes last night’s paint ball episode would have been just blah.

I’m sticking to my theory that she has been kidnapped and dropped off at the Bachelor mansion with no recollection of her past. Kind of like a slutty Bourne Identity without the bad ass action sequences, hottie Matt Damon and a submarine spotting of Julia Stiles. I may or may not have been rooting for her to go off the reservation and just start spraying the other girls with paint balls. I was even pretty excited for that game of hide and seek she proposed for her and Chris. I feel like that could have led to some good stuff. Oh well. Instead Chris just sent her back for some good night’s sleep (like that’s going to fix anything).

The best part of the whole thing is that crazy eyes gets a rose. She GETS A ROSE. I’m not even sure if she can string together a full coherent sentence but homegirl has earned another week of lounging in the sun, wearing crop tops and creeping the f**k out of everyone in the house. You go Ashley.

2. Jasmine Kardashian. Yeah so that’s not her real name but I guarantee you know who I’m talking about. Okay maybe not because she’s a virgin and the last name may have thrown you off. No but really, I have no idea what her name is.

I’m not sure what was worse about the newest Bachelor Disney princess (seriously there is at least one lookalike every season) – those spidery fake lashes or the incredibly awkward way she assaulted Chris with her tongue. Woof that kiss gave me some a serious case of SE (secondary embarrassment). The slobbery saliva sounds and the way she was holding on to his face like a dementor (Harry Potter fans where you at?) … wuh it was too much. And the belly-button ring genie bit? I can’t even. She did not ask him to rub her belly-button ring. Do people still get belly button rings? Is that still a thing? I may be old but I do know that rubbing them for wishes is NOT a thing. Or is it?

But Makenzie was right. Dudes love virgins, well, hot virgins, and Jasmine lived to see another date card.

What don’t you always race tractors, in your bathing suit, on the streets of LA? Image: ABC

3. Speaking of Makenzie how are they letting pre-teens on this show? ABC I’ve seen you do some scandalous things but letting a 14-year-old on this show is an all time low.

Wait, she’s 21. No, don’t lie to me. Seriously?

But really, now I understand why she named her kid Kale because no one old enough to rent a car at AVIS would name their child after a ‘so hot right now’ type of lettuce. She does realize her son will one day be 30 and have business cards right? I digress.

I do have to give Makenzie a shout on a couple things. 1.  Snagging that one-on-one time on the group date. I have no idea how she did it (sike, I totally know the producers set it up so she’d have an on-screen panic attack before telling Chris about her little one) but she certainly made the most of her time. And by that I mean she scored FIVE WHOLE KISSES. (When she was describing this did anyone imaging a four year old holding up their hand and talking about how many nuggets they just ate?) 2. Rocking a great blow out at the cocktail party and getting appropriately tipsy. You know the kind of tipsy where you’re pretty funny and irreverent but not all sloppy.

And she got a rose. Even after she told Chris he had a big nose. All in all a pretty solid episode for the youngest contestant EVER on the Bachelor (sorry had to do it, this post was lacking necessary Bachelor hyperbole).

4. Kaitlyn. Is that how you spell her name? I have no idea and am far too lazy to go check but this is my chick. I dig her tricep bird tattoos. I’m already hunting down that cute as hell baseball tee she sported on the group date and her commentary is on point. When she got all meta talking about Ashley and the perception of crazy girls on the show (i.e. – whether the producers make them look crazy or whether they really are crazy) I realized she may be my favorite contestant ever (and I love me some Michelle Money).

If she doesn’t win and we all know the chances of that happening are slim, I’m keeping my fingers crossed for a long-run on Bachelor Pad (in Paradise, in LA, wherever).

5. Kissing Chris. Prince Farming gets down to business huh? He kissed his way through the house right quick. Five kisses for you, one loud sloppy kiss for you, a couple pecks for you, some weird upper lip action for you. If you got some one-on-one time, you were getting some tongue. Well, unless your name was Kimberly and then you were just getting shown the door… again.

I foresee a lot of hot tub action this season. I also foresee a lot of use of the mute button (can’t deal with that loud mouth slapping sound – sorry I know that may have just ruined your lunch). And we’re only just getting started.

Who are your favorites? What had you cringing?  How is Britt so pretty and still so single? How are all these girls so good with a curling iron? How much did you love the drunk girl in the helmet? How did I miss talking about the drunk blonds?

Let’s discuss. Until next week… stay tuned. 

Want more snark? Head over to my gal Lauren’s blog for her weekly recaps.