Coming a little late to the party but couldn’t let a week go by without a quick Bachelor recap, especially with all of this week’s secondary embarrassment. But as my excitement for the season wanes, so does the timing of these posts. Going to do this top five style since it’s been one of those weeks.

* Sweet Home Indiana. This may be the most screen time Indiana has had since the release of Hoosiers so they brought out all the big guns. So basically just a couple guys from the Indiana Pacers + that fuzzy mascot. Where was Larry Bird? Where were the kids shooting hoops on their jimmy-rigged goals mounted on their picturesque worn-down red barns? I mean, at least Jojo wore some Converse sneakers (they weren’t high-tops though so it only half counts).

They did, however, rent a standard-issue small town Americana old red Ford pickup truck for Ben to tool around town in which he has actually ALREADY DONE ON KAITLYN’S SEASON.  And of course, they found that one old-school diner to film in (they don’t have wi-fi so don’t even think about asking). Warsaw, you never looked so good.

My favorite part of these hometown visits are how artificially amped up the girls are about some random small town. They did this with Chris Soules too. Get these girls writing some TripAdvisor and Yelp reviews stat! By their immediate infatuation, you’d think they were all planning on packing up and moving to Warsaw immediately after production wraps. See ya later Marina Del Ray; It’s Hello Warsaw!

And get ready cause they’re breaking out all the small town Americana feels: basketball, dive bars, diners, pick-ups, barns, McDonalds and fairs on Main Street. Warsaw, it’s just that cute.

* Two Cutie Pie Peas in a Pod. Lauren B. (can we just call her Lauren now that they got rid of the way more annoying Lauren H.?) and Ben are just the cutest aren’t they? Don’t even try to deny it.

Lauren was feeling all low and sad after getting called out by Leah but she had nothing to worry about. Ben loves him some Lauren and showed her just how much by making her spend the day with a bunch of screaming kids. Um, where is that helicopter ride over scenic Northern Indiana? Okay so the date may have been less than stellar but these, so in sync they dressed alike, love birds made up for it. I’ll even forgive Lauren for her cheesy line “I’m not falling in love with Ben the Bachelor; I’m falling in love with Ben from Warsaw, Indiana.”

I did like how this date had a very real-life feel to it. Well except for the part where he asked her on it in front of five other girls he’s dating. That and the whole Indiana Pacers guys showing up.  It was cool that Lauren got to hang with some of his friends, see where he used to work (but wait, that one dude said he worked there up until like two years ago which was a little suspect) and check out his favorite spots. 

Side note: What about that child prodigy at the gym who can make half-court shots like it’s no thang. Get that kid entered in a contest to win a car or something STAT.

* Green-Eyed Monster. This was the week the claws really came out. I mean now that Olivia and Leah are gone, there wasn’t any aggressive drama but the passive aggressive drama was EVERYWHERE. There was certainly no shortage of side-eyes in this two-hour block. It started out with Ben asking Lauren out IN FRONT OF EVERYONE. Still trying to figure out why they all got so butt hurt about that – so sometimes it’s written on a card, sometimes CH stops in to drop that date card bomb and today, Ben himself did the deed. It’s not like Ben doesn’t always come and pick the girl up.

Then that three-on-one date happened it is all just got to be too much. The amount of awkward, passive aggressiveness was giving me a huge case of the SE’s. Drew spent the majority of that date hiding behind his phone playing sudoku because it was all a little too much. I think this date was also the moment I fell totally out of it with Caila. She’s annoying now right? It’s not just me… is it? More on this date in a minute.

Last but not least, were the back-at-the-house convos the girls had during every, single date. When Lauren was gone they all waxed poetic about how it’s not fair that she got asked out in front of them, when Jojo got to hit up the Windy City they were mad that they were stuck on a group date and how their connections are more valid than something like that, and then when poor Emily was getting the boot – they basically talked about how she had no shot in hell at getting a rose. Geez girls. This isn’t twitter.

* That Three-on-One. Okay first off, that sounds way more sexual than it was … because it was not sexual in the least. For the final group date Ben takes Caila, Amanda and Becca to that barn where they filmed Chris Soules finale. Becca must have been so excited to be back.

This date was all kinds of awkward. Caila was acting like such a know it all, Becca was on the verge of an emotional breakdown and Amanda, well, Amanda sounds like a mouse. Props to Amanda though, she came strong and played her hand when it came to landing that rose. She laid it on thick about never introducing anyone to her kids before and Ben, hypnotized by her tragically high voice and amazing hair, bought it hook, line and sinker.

No amount of hair-tossing by Caila could compete. Well that and the fact that she was going to be taking him to Hudson, Ohio (side note: I know nothing about Hudson, Ohio but can just assume it’s not that great if Caila is singing such high praises about Warsaw). Not only did Amanda snag the rose but she also got to toss the other girls out and send them home in the limo of shame. When Ben gave her the rose and was all like, “Welp, we’re leaving” it was BRUTAL. Almost as brutal as when he later took Amanda to work a shift at McDonalds (I’m loving that product placement – breakfast for dinner ya’ll!).

Oh and last but not least can we talk about that carnival. It might have been cute if they didn’t have the entire town of Warsaw following two steps behind them snapping pictures like they just spotted a Kardashian in the wild. I would have gone on all those shoddy rides too if only to escape the wide-eyed bunch of gawkers hanging on their heels.

* Meet the Parents. That group date had nothing on the trainwreck that was Emily’s date. First off, does that girl EVER stop talking? Also, someone needs to hide her eyeliner because she’d look SO much better without it. But that’s neither here nor there.

One of my favorite things about Emily, or wait, let me restate that. One of my favorite things the girls talk shit about Emily is how young she is. There’s nothing like a 24, 25 and 26 year old sitting around talking about a 23 year old like she’s a pre-teen girl. Okay, so maybe Emily is a pre-teen girl. I think we confirmed that on this date.

So Ben picks Emily up and takes her to see his parents on a boat that Emily gushes all over. Um, honey, haven’t you ever seen a pontoon before? It’s not the French Riviera or anything. Bless her heart. Her nervous talking is at an all-time high and I seriously think Ben may abandon ship and swim back to the girl’s place.

If he didn’t want to jump in the lake then, he certainly did after that convo with his mom. Basically Momma Higgins said, in no uncertain terms, you cannot marry this girl. You cannot take her on any more dates, you cannot pass go, don’t collect $200 and absolutely no more roses. She was so adamant about it that she started crying. It made me wonder if I’ll ever have to have that sit down with D3 (hopefully not).

Emily’s verbal diarrhea with the original Mrs. Higgins was enough to send me into secondary embarrassment overdrive. It was like she couldn’t stop talking. What’s with these girls and not being able to let someone else get a word in edgewise (I’m looking at you Leah and Olivia). I wanted one of those swans she kept gushing about to come over and cover her mouth with one of its giant wings. That or poop on her. Whatever it took to make it stop.

Luckily no bird was needed, Ben eventually took her back the house, sat her down and said “Shhh Shhhh Shhh SHHHHH” until she finally stopped talking long enough for him to send her home. And just like that, all was right with the world.

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So there you have it. My top five from Monday’s episode. What missed the cut? Becca (no pun intended) and her rose ceremony dismissal. D3 was SO sad to find out she’d been sent home but then brightened up when he realized he still had a chance. Next week is Home Town Dates which means we get to see what brand of crazy these girls are working with at home. Looks like Jojo’s family is a real doozy.

Until next time… stay tuned.