There is no better way to sum up my feelings about last night’s episode of The Bachelor than with the 1976 hit ‘She’s Gone’ by Hall & Oats. 

Seriously, why Chris Soules? Why? Becca over Kaitlyn. I just can’t. Especially after looking at Becca’s Instagram. That girl isn’t moving to Iowa.

Okay, okay. I’ll get back to the beginning. When life was good, The Bachelor hadn’t worn a Bali fanny pack/cummerbund  and Kaitlyn was still gracing our screen with quick wit and amazing lipstick.

So we’re down to the final three and FINALLY, they pack these broads up and take them on a real vacation. It was about damn time that they went to somewhere that can actually justify usage of the phrase “it’s a perfect place to fall in love.” It’s Bali time which I’m hoping means lots of beach, boat and other water activities. Instead, only Whitney gets to hit the high seas while the other two gals have to pal around the streets of Bali watching Chris sweat through every shirt he brought. I get it, it’s super hot but can someone get that guy a towel?

Needless to say, those sweat stained bright button downs did not make the top five. Neither did these banging traditional outfits. Here’s what did.

1. Those Monkeys. See this is why we pack this crew up and take them around the world, for wildlife interactions like the one between Chris and the monkeys of Bali. When that giant, old man monkey sprinted up Chris’ back for that banana and scared the crap out of him, I let out the best laugh I’ve had all season. Just a good solid laugh.

Those monkeys needed WAY more airtime and I almost wish (sike, I totally wish) they would have incorporated them in to the rose ceremony. Just one monkey, sitting on Chris’ shoulder with the rose which he would hand to the girls as their names were called. Think about it and tell me it wouldn’t be great.

Can we pack them up and take them to Iowa for the last episode? Pretty pretty please?

2. Musical Chairs on the Pirate Ship. Did anyone else notice that Whitney and Chris were all over the place on that pirate ship they went sailing on? One shot they are sitting on the deck, the next they are up top, the next they are up at the front (sorry I don’t know a lot of boat terminology). Just sit still you two. I thought they’d never sit down and let us see all the streak marks from Whitney’s self tanner.

Here’s the thing on Whitney. I like her, I honestly do. She’s from Louisville, has a great job, seems level headed, smart and sure of herself. And it’s for all of these previously stated reasons that I think she will be the runner-up. Because, when in the history of The Bachelor, has someone with all of those qualities won? Don’t worry, I’ll wait.

Hopefully I’m wrong but we’ll see.

3. The Fantasy Suite. You know Chris was counting down to this episode all season – the Fantasy Suite Episode (as it should always be referred to).

It was written all over his face every time the fantasy suite card was delivered. He was like a little kid waiting to get ice cream.

But really, how awkward and funny was it every time he handed the card over to the girls? “Oh hey what’s this? I think CH dropped this off for you. I wonder what it says?”

I also loved how both Whitney and Kaitlyn gave the really deep and thoughtful response. “I’ve thought about this moment for a long time and I just really think we need this time.” Sometimes I wonder if contestants on this show get a list of talking points and suggested commentary. If so, can I get a copy?

4. Virgin Gate. Becca was nervous about telling Chris she is (was??) a virgin. I only know this because in EVERY SINGLE on camera interview it’s all she talked about. Why wouldn’t she tell us about how sweaty Chris was getting or how she wished she was getting to go swimming in the ocean and not standing with her feet in a creek like Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn (if they had every hugged and kissed in a babbling brook). That being said, respect for waiting and respect for not being a big, giant drama queen about it ALL SEASON (see: Ashley I.). She waited until it legitimately needed to be discussed which is good but home girl sure needed a cocktail to loosen up before sharing the secrets.

So the moment finally comes when the Fantasy Suite telegram arrived and Becca had to spill the beans. The ensuing reaction from Chris had me shielding my eyes and hiding like my 8-year-old self watching The Exorcist. In his defense, I’m not really sure what the appropriate reaction to that confession is so his reaction is as good as any, I guess. But wow, that was a long 30 seconds.

Obviously they still took the card to do all the things except sex which included that weird palm double palm, Dirty Dancing-style embrace that the cameras caught before the blinds were pulled.

5. Saying Good-Bye to Kaitlyn. Let the record state this was NOT one of my favorite moments, merely a moment that must be talked about. So cute, so fun, so great with selecting the perfect lipstick and hometown date – Kaitlyn will be missed but I’m thinking it won’t be long until we see her gracing the screens of ABC again.

I’m pretty sure the worst part of the whole thing was when Chris pulled Becca away which made us all believe he was sending her home in the caravan of crying. Kaitlyn celebrated prematurely to the producers while I celebrated prematurely to Drew as he looked at golf clubs online. Similar situation right? Instead, she was back (frizzy half-pony and all – what was that?) and panic set in.

Maybe Chris realized that Kaitlyn has dated two professional athletes and would always be better at ice hockey than him. Maybe he knew his rhymes would never compare to hers. Maybe he just made a bad choice. I’m going with the latter. Either way, I let out a loud no which probably scared the crap out of my sleeping child. “Sorry buddy, Mom’s favorite girlfriend on The Bachelor got kicked off, now go back to bed.”

This dismissal had me in a rage, looking at Becca’s Instagram and making all sorts of bold judgements based on her ALS Challenge video and array of selfies. “She could never move to Iowa! She looks so different in pictures!”(She does – Much better though so I’m not sure how that relates to my argument.) “She’ll miss her bestie Brandi with an I.” (Yes, she says that in a video, I’m not just being mean.) 

And then we had to watch Kaitlyn be both totally devastated and as composed as you can possibly be after getting dumped on TV. I felt so bad for her and I never feel bad for people on these shows. Clearly I have a problem.

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You know what’s not a problem though? The Women Tell All episode that airs next week. I will be settling in for a night of wine and popcorn for that one. I’m already excited about writing the post. Hopefully we’ll finally get to the bottom of Britt’s shower regimen, find out when 48 hours Mystery will begin investigating the death of Sanderson Poe and figure out what kind of mascara makes Ashley I.’s lashes look like small tarantulas.

Until next week… stay tuned. 

 

Images via ABC.com