There’s one thing you should know about me. I love and by love, I mean live for, alliteration so this week’s adventures were a dream when it came to crafting a title. Moving on.

WHAT THE WHAT happened last night? Was it a full moon? Are these girls just totally crazy (okay we already know the answer to that is a resounding YES)? But seriously, the wheels are falling off this bus to crazy town and we are all along for the ride. Hey, at least if you’re lucky you can grab a seat next to Kaitlyn (for laughs) or Jade (cause she’s a smoking hottie).

I’m honestly a little worried for Chris. You guys, he has to {fake} propose to one of these girls. He will have to stand up on a beach/mountain side/waterfall and pretend to commit his life the next eight months to one of them. At this point, Carly the Cruise Ship Singer or Jade the Playboy Model are sounding like some of the safest choices. Can you believe I just said that? A Cruise Ship Singer. Thankfully, we’ve still got Louisville’s own Whitney the Fertility Nurse to keep us from totally throwing in the towel.

Good new though, he’s in Sante Fe which, you guessed it, is a great place to fall in love. So don’t worry friends, we’re all good. 

In the sake of time, here’s my top five from last night. The list could have easily been twice as long but a girl’s got work to get back to, so we’re going with the standouts.

* Sexual Healing with Carly. The producers went big by throwing this in that 8 – 8:30 pm slot. Lord, I know my kid needs to go to bed earlier but yowza. Also, way to go on editting the previews to get all of us thinking dirty things. Well played, ABC.

That date was HELLA awkward though. From the creepy smile of that shaman love healer to the undressing session to the, I can’t even say it, breathing exercises. I did a giant swan dive under the covers to hide from everything happening on screen. I’m going to go ahead and throw out some Bachelor style hyperbole and say that when Carly was straddling Chris and breathing uncomfortably into his mouth (here’s hoping she brushed RIGHT before hand), it may have been my very own most uncomfortable moment in Bachelor history. 

Thankfully we didn’t have to watch them reveal any more of their truths with their naked bits though. We did have to hear Carly reveal the truth about her previous boyfriends lack of love and affection. Cruise Ship Performer who had no interest in you sexually?  I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that her old bf was probably gay.

Chris did that thing again where he kisses girls when he’s tired of hearing them talk and shows Carly with his tongue, that she is worthy of love. And by love, he means a rose that entitles her to one more week of vacation, sixteen drink tickets and two new pairs of aerie lounge pants. Get that swag while you can girl.

*Jordyn-gate. So the girl’s go out on a group date of white water rafting. Jade gets a little chilly and needs Chris to rub her feet to keep warm (is this a real condition?), Jasmine worries about losing her fake eyelashes in the rapids and Whitney sits shotgun with Chris in the raft. Everything is all hunky dory until the head over to an abandoned Native American hibachi grill for after dinner drinks. Side note: I’m giving this location scouting a solid F. You mean there wasn’t a brick fire pit for them to hang around outside? Definitely not enough hidden nooks and crannies for talking behind each other’s back and making out with Chris.

But maybe that was the point. And if so, touche.

Chris saunters out of his high-roller suite to greet the gaggle of girls but before they can all make that giant, open-mouthed fake surprised to see him face, Jordyn pops out of the woodwork. Mind you, this is reformed, hair fixed, make-up own, sober Jordyn (read: boring) who’s here to see if she made a giant mistake by boozing her way through her two-week stay (answer: hells no). Chris, who can’t open-mouth kiss his way out of this awkward situation, allows her to hang around which starts an all out war around the hibachi.

All the rest of the girl’s are all like “I respect your decision Chris” to his face and all “Oh Hell No” when he walks away. Every girl (with the exception of my bad-b**ch Kaitlyn) spends their one-on-one time whining about her infringing on their time with Chris. Because time is their only currency and you can never have enough of it when you’re trying to buy love (and a Neil Lane stunner) on reality TV.

Respect to Whitney for being pretty pissed about Jordyn’s surprise appearance but still keeping her cool and sense of decency. And on the flip side, shout-out to Jasmine for whining about Jordyn acting immature while she was on the show while simultaneously talking shit about her like a seventh grader at a slumber party. I could go on for days about how ridiculous, annoying and idiotic I think everything Jasmine says is but ain’t no body got time for that.

* Another thing apparently Britt doesn’t have time for is showering. HOLD THE PHONE. IS THIS REAL LIFE? How can someone just not shower? That is seriously disgusting. Once I heard them say that, I couldn’t even focus on the date. Instead Drew and I spent the next ten minutes talking about all the disgustingness that must be circling around her like a Bachelor Pig Pen (you know that smelly kid from Charlie Brown?).

So I’m going to make you all hear some of this discussion because I’m still not able to wrap my head around the whole thing. So I get that maybe you don’t wash your hair that much – which also must mean that she doesn’t work out that much which makes me kind of hate her for that banging body but I digress – but NOT SHOWERING? Does she like wipe down? Has she been in the pool a lot?

And then let’s not even talk about her “getting ready” for their early morning date. How gross is it that she sleeps in her make-up? We’re not talking like some tinted moisturizer and a light coating of mascara (which would still be crazy but some how excusable on this show), we’re talking a full face of make-up, lipstick included. If you could see me writing this, you would see me making a face like this. And that was before I saw her grab some old, dirty socks (we’re not even sure they are hers) and put them on backwards. WOOF. 

I could talk about how she’s a giant phony baloney with the whole being afraid of heights and then acting like she just won a million dollars when the hot air balloon trip was revealed. I could talk incessantly about how something seems off about her, she’s kind of a liar and clearly no one likes her. But all of that is overpowered by the scent I believe she’s giving off when she enters a room.

What do you think that “nap” was all about? I’m guessing she got a little smellier (sorry I couldn’t help it). Honestly, I’m still appalled by the whole thing. Which rolls perfectly into my feelings about…

* Kelsey. This b**ch is C.R.A.Z.Y. Like don’t sleep in the same room as her, don’t turn your back on her, don’t let her near your food/drinks crazy. And delusional. Scary delusional.

So once she she hears about Britt and Chris’ nap time, she gets all Fatal Attraction and makes a beeline to Chris’ room. He’s all pissed because she’s ruining the private poker game he was planning with his boy CH. Kelsey, clad in her sexist school counselor twin set, gets comfy with Chris and shares her “story.”

Side note: Look, I feel very badly for you about the passing of your husband but here’s the thing. If my husband just dropped dead, I wouldn’t have to rack my brain to remember what he died from. She’s all confused when she’s telling one of the girl’s about what caused his death. Um.. don’t you think you’d remember that VERY IMPORTANT detail. Also, I looked up his obituary (I know, I’m a creep) and her accomplishments are listed before his, IN HIS OWN OBITUARY. That’s weird right? Apparently I’m not the only one that did some creeping last night because when I just searched it again a bunch of other stories popped up about how oddly it is written. Imagine if you were her in-laws watching this? You know Juelia’s were all like supportive probably and hoped she found love again. But Sanderson’s mom and pops have got to be like, wait hold the phone. This chick is nuts.

And that whole part about “I love my story” was kind of diabolical. Like who says that? Your husband died you crazy person. And now I’m all like did he really just drop dead? Can I call Chris Morrison up at Dateline to do some investigating?

There’s obviously more, including the weird way her and Britt were touching each other at the cocktail party that never was, but this rant is running long. I’m anxiously awaiting more details on her bulls**t fake “panic attack.” For Chris’ sake and safety, I’m hoping she gets the boot.

Let’s end on a high note with…

* Megan. God love this girl. This episode was drifting away into absurdity and then she appeared in a sombrero discussing the history and differences (or were they similarities) of New Mexico/Mexico. I could care less that this girl has no idea which came first Mexico or New Mexico (please lord say that we all know that Mexico came first), that little ditty was enough to keep my hopes up for next week. Isn’t this dumb blonde routine really the principle on which The Bachelor was founded? I’m just looking for more pretty girls who are mildly confused about rudimentary history and geography looking for love. Get a few cocktails in them, hook them up with some props and start filming (ewww, not that way. turn off those dirty minds).

Let’s all hope this girl sticks around for a few more weeks of travel.

So that’s my top-five from last night. Obviously there was WAY more to discuss. Way more than I could ever fit into the top-five. Who do you think is crazier? How do you feel about the lack of showering? Can producer’s mandate cleanliness and good hygiene?

Let’s discuss in the comments. And until next time… stay tuned.