Okay I know I’m a little late to the game with this season of The Bachelorette but I needed to let it get going before I could fully commit to a recap. That first episode had me crazy bored and then I just fell asleep right in the middle of the second episode. My b.

Oh and up until now, I couldn’t keep these bone heads straight. Too much long hair and guys named Ben. Now that I know Ben Z. from Ben H. I’m ready to get going.

Out of respect for my gal Kaitlyn and those always clever producers, I must tip my hat to their date game this season. A hearty mix of hot tubs and humiliation is just what the doctor ordered. Last night had a lot of rewind-able (just making up words here) moments so here’s my top five.

* Just a Bunch of Big Babies. Once we got all that Kupah Troopa nonsense out of the way, it’s time for the first date card. That means two giant Japanese sumo wrestlers waking the bros up with a big ole gong. Rise and shine fellas, it’s time to compete for love in the only way suitable for television – dressed up like oversized babies. If only Kupah had been around for this one, I have a feeling he would have really nailed it.

Apparently none of the guys could tie up their packages in their sumo gear which means about 20 hours of overtime for the ABC editor who had to censor out all those twigs and berries. Cheers to you master of the blur – you definitely had your hands full (that’s what she said).

All of the bros are down for a little early morning wrestle sesh – I’m specifically looking at you Clint – except Tony.

Tony, Tony, Tony – with his namastes and cries for peace, love and harmony – cannot be burdened by all these games, just playing for affection. Unlike the rest of the guys who were more than willing to let it all hang out for love (literally), Tony is not down to get into a pissing contest. Well let’s rephrase that. He’s willing to compete, then get his ass thrown around like a little baby doll and then pout about it.

After a pretty epic temper tantrum (And I’m well versed in the world of temper tantrums, I’ve got two kids under four), Tony decides that his ponchos are just not cut out for this party and hits the road. Yes, there was some over dramatic conflict and conversation in between but all that was just a ploy for attention by everyone involved including ….

* Clint. This guy is really something else. I can’t quite figure out Clint. Well, I can figure out that he reminds me of a WWE reject but the rest of him has me a little confused. He’s a big blond enigma wrapped up in a web of muscles.

I’m pretty convinced that he’s just doing this whole act for the cameras, just having a little fun while also securing his spot on Bachelor in Paradise but I’m not 100% sure. There is such commitment in his act and so much man love between he and JJ. Is it all a charade? Is he really falling hard for JJ? That hot tub scene was way steamier than Kaitlyn and Ben Z.’s. They also sit oddly close on a couch. I don’t even want Drew sitting that close to me on the couch. It cramps my style and my ability to use the remote control.

And what’s with all the weird snake innuendo? I was just going to chalk this up to another solid bromance but all that talk about showers and snakes had me hitting that 30-second button. Each time we’d confirm what we thought we heard, Drew and I would just look at each other puzzled. I’d also realize we were sitting too close together, so I’d scooch over a little bit.

Clearly Clint’s a douchebag (and so is JJ – that’s why they’re besties – duh) but what kind of douche is TBD – conniving fame whore or standard lacking self-awareness doofus? Too soon to tell. It was a little earlier for the guys to go all tattle-tale on someone so I was surprised and proud when everyone but JJ used their time with Kaitlyn to talk shit. Looks like next week the charade will be up… but will it?

* American Horror Story. Can Chris Harrison PLEASE plan more dates? That trip to The Basement was pretty epic and a super effective sales tool. I already planning my trip to LA to take part in my only little horror scavenger hunt. Except they better leave the birds out of it. I’m with Kaitlyn on that one – birds are gross and scary.

I’m a little disappointed that the password was ‘ROSES’ and that it took them 45 minutes to figure it out.  You know I’d be typing in all the standard bachelor franchise phrases: ‘RIGHTREASONS’ ‘GUARDANDPROTECT’ ‘BEOPEN’ ‘WILLYOUACCEPT’ ‘FANTASY SUITE’ ‘INEVITABLEBREAKUP.’ You know, all the things that have become synonymous with this Monday night treat.

Either way, it was pretty cute how they worked together and I didn’t hate Ben Z. which automatically means he’s moved to the top of my list. You go Ben Z. I’m still wondering what would have happened if they hadn’t magically figured out the puzzle in EXACTLY 45 minutes. Can we get JJ and Clint to try it and see what happens? Write that one down for Bachelor in Paradise producers.

This date also marked a big milestone in this season – the first one-on-one hot tub sesh. Champagne and hot tubs are really what this franchise was built on and I’m happy to see we’re not straying too far from our roots.

* Let’s Talk About Sex. I would have loved this date about a thousand times more if 1. they weren’t child actors OR 2. she had actually done the whole ‘You Got Punked” thing and told them the kids were child actors. I feel like they let Kaitlyn give us that little nugget of knowledge and then promptly threw it away. Maybe I missed something though. Did I miss something?

One thing I didn’t miss is all the censoring that went with this little anatomy class. I love how they had to black out the movement of inserting a tampon (never thought I’d write that phrase on the blog) and that you can say ‘vagina’ on TV but not ‘penis.’ Compare that to allowing a graphic, frighteningly close open mouth make-out but not that girl from last season in a pair of shorts (what was her name again?).

All in all though this was a pretty solid little date. Lots of solid embarrassment for the guys. Props to them though for giving it a chance. I still feel bad for the welder guy (is his name Jeff?) that had to explain female puberty. I’m not even sure I could explain that – he should just tell all the girls in that class that winter is coming (yahtzee! – worked in a Game of Thrones reference).

* The New Format. Okay this is NOT, I repeat NOT a highlight. What the what is the deal with this whole cliff hanger before the rose ceremony thing? Not only does it put a huge damper on our Bachelorette Fantasy Draft but it leaves the bow untied on the weekly present that is The Bachelorette. I like heading to bed on Monday with the closure of knowing that my least favorite douchebags, socially awkward loners and 29 year-old-virgins are heading home while that one skeez that gets to the end, the hopeless hottie and the ‘too good to be true’ guy from Northern California will be there next week when I tune in. Way too many loose ends that need to be tidied up each week.

It also clutters up the previews. Instead of focusing on who she’ll swap spit with next week and which rejected former contestant will return, we’ve got to focus on the drunk, late night antics of a incomplete rose ceremony. I don’t like it one bit.

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So there you have it. The recaps are back, whether you like it or not so until next week…stay tuned.