Before we jump head first in to the return of one Nick Viall can we talk about the return of BOTH Ashley’s? Sorry, I digress.

No but really, I’ll get back to that but I have to share that Secondary Embarrassment got a little shout-out yesterday on Louisville.com and I was pumped. I mean I was excited to make it on to the list they compiled but even more hype that SE made the cut. Cause when it comes down to it, sharing my secondary embarrassment with you all may be my most favorite thing ever. So let’s get to it.

There was a lot of good stuff in last night’s episode. A LOT. Narrowing it down to my top five was tough but here goes it.

* Adios Clint.  The bromance is over ya’ll. Kaitlyn decided that despite their chemistry (read: good kissing vibes) she couldn’t continue her journey with Clint since he had clearly started a journey with someone else.

I mean, I’m not surprised that Kaitlyn put the kabbosh on the JJ and Clint love affair but I was very surprised at how quick JJ turned on his bro. Not cool bro. Not cool. I’m not sure if JJ was trying to win over the guys in the house with his speech or get an edge with Kaitlyn but he clearly regretted it within moments.

Kaitlyn and Clint’s break up went pretty smoothly but that Clint and JJ break up was painful to watch. Like hide under the blankets and ask if it’s over yet, painful. There was a lot of vague innuendo and talk of a best friendship gone sour that all ended in a fit of anger for Clint (obviously, it’s the WWE in him coming out) and a fit of tears for JJ (obviously because… it’s JJ). I’m not quite sure how JJ is going to carry on. Maybe a new suitor will fill the void?

* The Return of the Ashley’s.  In my humble opinion, ABC spent WAY too much time hyping up the return of Nick V. and not nearly enough time letting us know that the two craziest Ashley’s in the history of The Bachelor (you see what I did there?) would be making cameo appearances. Shame on you ABC, shame on you.

So many new developments. Who knew that Ashley S. was a hairdresser? Can we get her to be the hairdresser in residence on the series? I’m sure she could provide the perfect mix of off-the-wall commentary and sound advice while mastering the beachy wave. Was anyone else doing a little “Really?” action when Kaitlyn tried to sell us on how smart Ashley S. was? I may have guffawed a bit but took it back when she did provide some astute two-word reasoning. That “it’s lust” really hit the nail on the head.

Side note: Did anyone else notice that her hair was in a braid when she met up with Nick? So maybe Ashley S. isn’t quite the best hairdresser on the block but I’m willing to have her back to find out for sure. Also, when did she get so downtown? I like it.

Just one Ashley return wasn’t enough. Getting a little glimpse of ABC’s very own Jasmine – Ashley I. – was an extra special treat. Combine that with the fact that they actually incorporated the Broadway production of Aladdin into the episode. I see you producers and I like where your heads at. It’s like they crafted that special little Easter Egg just for us viewers. I was really hoping Ashley I. would make a cameo on that date to really bring it full circle. Alas, we weren’t that lucky. But c’mon, you just KNOW she was in the audience for that one.

*The Nick is Back.  Is anyone out there honestly a Nick fan? If so, it’s time to step forward and announce yourself. I don’t want to shame you, I just want to find out what anyone could possible be so enamored with. Is it the a little too tight clothes? The “I kind of look like a four-year-old” curls? Maybe the way he always has that suspicious smile that looks like he just farted and walked away from it? Honestly, someone help me out here cause I just don’t get it. Cleary though there is something about him that makes that gals on this series weak in the knees.

Kaitlyn could hardly string three words together after “meeting” him (don’t try to act like you guys hadn’t seen each other before). As if that wasn’t embarrassing enough, they had to use the extreme close-up angle of their lip-biting make-out session. Um, no thank you. At least they kept the lip smacking noises to a minimum. Woof.

The whole meet up at the comedy show was so clearly staged too. Was Nick there to size up the competition before swooping in? I think if he really wanted to win Kaitlyn’s heart, he should have stepped in and battled the winner of the rap contest. Although I take that back. The thought of Nick trying to come up with a Bachelorette-inspired rhyme gives me a stomach ache.

* The Aftermath.  I’m not sure what was worse – Nick’s reemergence on the scene or the non-stop chatter by all parties afterwards. Gah, enough already. First Kaitlyn had to talk about it with the guys. Then she had to talk about it to the producers. Then she had to talk about it to Ashley S. Then on her date with Jared. And the guys talking about it among themselves. Then again with the producers and on the phone and in person. Okay okay okay, we get it. He’s back.

All this endless talk about the same stupid nonsense has me wishing for the simpler days of JJ and Clint in the hot tub and playing guitar. Instead of really getting to enjoy the musical stylings of Chris the Dentist, we had to spend an absurd amount of time discussing Nick, his stupid smirk and whether or not Andie I mean Kaitlyn is truly committed to the guys she has. I got it at first and then just as quickly I was done with it.

Mostly I’m just mad because he took too much time distracting us from what could have been an SE goldmine….

* The Aladdin Date. This date got the short end of the stick. We should have been treated to a lot more cringe-inducing singing and snarky (but on-point) commentary from the Broadway stars. I’m thinking more dancing, more vocal training and a lot more talking shit from the judges but it seemed to get shortened so we could watch Kaitlyn and Nick act awkward on the streets corners of NYC.

Cheers to you Chris for really going for it though. A career on Broadway is not in your future but it’s not from a lack of effort. Those dramatic arm movements and your over-eager singing were a treat for this viewer. I’m still not sure why that night’s audience wasn’t allowed to really soak in all you had to offer. Blah blah blah Tony nominations. This production could benefit from someone so committed. You know who else could benefit from being committed, Kaitlyn.

How pissed was Ian though? You know that Princeton man thought he had it IN THE BAG. But a nice singing voice does not a star make. Chris, I think if this whole dentistry thing doesn’t work out for you, you’ve got a promising future as a cruise ship performer. Hey, call up old girl from last season – you know the one with the portable karoke machine – I bet she can help.

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Honorary Mention’s have to go out to:

* Joshua for being just the sweetest, nicest, aww-shucks guy on the show. He’s got absolutely no shot at winning but god love him for being a little beacon of honesty for Kaitlyn. It’s like his entire role is to do reconnaissance in the house and report back to her.

* JJ for just being JJ. I’m so glad no one got kicked off last night so that we can still bask in your delusion.

* Justin for snagging a rose. Who out there saw that one coming?

* Shawn. You know for being hot and flashing those abs. Keep it coming.

Looks like next week is going to be a Game of Thrones style day of reckoning. I’m thinking at least four guys will bite the dust. Either way, can we get these guys somewhere warm? If I’m going to have to deal with all this Nick nonsense I’d at least like for it to take place somewhere that I can see Shawn’s abs more regularly.

Until next time… stay tuned!