Well it was about damn time that this show got a little juicy. Yeah the random appearance of Nick was enough to kick up a little dirt but last night things stopped being polite and started getting real. Side note – has there ever been a better tag line? You win Real World, you win.

Since the departure of John Cena Jr. aka Clint, we’ve been severely lacking in the all-out douchebag category. Oh, we’ve got some great potential but no one who had fully embraced the title and then they took the guys to San Antonio (more on that later).

I could ramble endlessly on last night’s outings in Texas but before we jump in to my top five and really narrow things down, I have a bone to pick with ABC. What the what is the deal with this new Rose Ceremonies in the front nonsense. Look guys, I’m gonna watch every Monday “To be continued…” cliff hanger or not. I’m pretty sure that most of ‘Bachelor Nation’ is with me on that one. I mean we all know that The Bachelorette isn’t quite as good at drumming up the drama as The Bachelor (need a healthy dose of Daddy Issues and Dom for that) but we’re all still watching (and tweeting snarky things). Can’t we just stick with the format? Also, it’s throwing a serious wrench in our Bachelorette Fantasy Draft. So there’s that.

Okay, now that I’ve got that off my chest (which is also how I like Shawn’s t-shirts), we can get to the five favorites.

* Ben H. Let’s start out on a little “aw schucks” cuteness (cause that’s the way I’d prefer to start everything in life). Ben H. is a cutie. There’s no other way (for me) to put it. He’s just a cutie and that date was a date perfect for a pure-bred cutie. Line Dancing? Has there ever been a date that’s more “aww shucks” inducing? I’ll wait… See there isn’t.

Two very enthusiastic thumbs up for both Ben’s but right now Ben H. is taking the lead. He looked cute, he danced cute and he didn’t even gross me out when they kissed which I won’t say is cute but doesn’t make me want to vom. Also proud of them for making it past the first round in that contest. I love me a good twirl and dip so I was quite smitten with this date (can’t you tell). I also loved Betty Jo (??) giving her advice on dancing and love. I don’t want to break it to Betty but even if Ben H. makes it to the end, I doubt a lifetime of love is in the cards for Kaitlyn and any of these bros.

* Mariachi Madness. Way smarter people than me have talked about all the racial issues and cultural appropriation on The Bachelor(ette) so I won’t get in to that here although I’m guessing there could be some serious arguments made about last night’s date. But since I’m no scholar unless being well-versed in the theory of secondary embarrassment counts, so I’m just going to move along.

First off, Sebastian was a G. Second, Sebastian has a killer voice. Both things that these fellas lacked. BIG TIME.

I am by no means a good singer (and by that I mean I am a pretty terrible singer outside of my car) but I sound like Mariah Freaking Carey compared to some of these guys. That being said, props to the guys that lived it up and embraced their inner mariachi. I’m looking at you Jared and Nick (ugh it pains me to say that). But hey, if you’re going to wear the outfit (which was amazing and they should all be hype to get wear), you gotta go big.

Someone who talked a big game and then whimpered away like a hurt puppy was Ian. DUDE – you didn’t just bomb, you B O M B E D. Like bombs over Baghdad, take cover, BOMBED. I’m thinking that his piss poor performance was what led to some major overcompensation later on.

* San Antonio. So this Texas city has gotten all kinds of love on this show (and others) before. I get it, you’re looking for new date ideas and people keep saying that San Antonio is cool but c’mon there’s GOT to be somewhere better to take a bunch of dudes to make fools of themselves. Hell, that trip to Des Moines was almost better (almost). Couldn’t they have just stayed in New York a couple more days? Can we all agree to stop trying to make the River Walk happen? I don’t know anyone from San Antonio – so feel free to correct me since I am regularly wrong – but it seems like River Walk has got to be somewhere locals NEVER go. I mean they didn’t even take them to the Alamo.

Side note: Didn’t one of the guys compare their stint on this show to the Battle of the Alamo? Yeah that was all kinds of wrong. Just 100% wrong.

There’s got to be some sort of production discount or like the head producer is from there. I mean, take ’em to DC, Savannah, New Orleans. Or even smaller spots like Maine or the Gulf Coast. I’m just done with dressing up fancy LA people in cowboy boots. Can’t we all agree that there are better options?

* Joshua. Speaking of better options, just about anyone is a better option right now than Joshua. Well, except Ian but we’ll get to that next.

Poor dude shat the bed last night. First he let Kaitlyn totally botch his haircut and then he just started word vomiting all over her.

Let’s start with the hair. Okay, so since when is Kaitlyn a hairdresser (or barber as he refers to her)? Has this ever been listed in her vague job title? If so, I’m pretty disappointed with her curling iron skills. When it comes to hair she’s no Emily Maynard. Hell, she’s barely a Desiree. Beyond that, why in the world didn’t Joshua get it fixed before the rose ceremony? Dude, do they not let you out of that Penthouse suite? Surely there’s a barbershop in the hotel or within two blocks of it. No excuse for letting yourself look like a dog that bit the groomer halfway through.

Second, old dude just couldn’t keep it in his… mouth. (ewww, just realized how gross that sounds – sorry.) He was like Gretchen Weiners, once Nick broke him all the secrets came spilling out. Nick really had poor Josh’s card. It was like the minute Nick got the rose, Joshua’s crazy could not be kept under control. Every time he saw Kaitlyn all he wanted to do was talk about Nick (there’s so many potential Mean Girl references in this paragraph but I’ll stop since I already nailed one). She’s all like “tell me about yourself” and he’s like “Nick doesn’t even really like you that much.” I kind of feel bad for Joshua. I mean he did say he’s never been in love so he clearly isn’t super skilled at talking to the ladies. Here’s a tip Josh – this is not the way it’s done.

Since Kaitlyn is now the truth police, she goes out there and makes a big scene about the whole thing. This was the part of the show where I took cover underneath a blanket and waited it out. All the guys are like “Josh is crazy, we LOVE Nick *wink*” and he has to sit there like a big old lying bump on a log. Pretty brutal. Bless his little heart.

Pretty sure next week it’s back to welding for this guy.

* Ian. Oh Ian. Up until this point, we hardly knew you. I mean, we knew you went to Princeton. Lord, everyone you’ve ever met must know you went to Princeton. And if we even forgot for a half second, you’ve got to remind us by wearing a little bit of orange at all times. I saw that skinny tie and knew you were subliminally reminding me that yes, you are a Princeton man.

Clearly Kaitlyn hasn’t been asking Ian enough questions about how smart he is and how good looking he is and how great a job he has and how he was in that tragic accident but persevered to be even more amazing than he was before. Hey, Ian quick thought. Maybe the girl doesn’t like you because you’re a self-obsessed tool. Or maybe she just prefers Yalies (I bet that kills you doesn’t Ian).

I love that Ian goes the total middle-school boy route here. “Whatever I don’t even like her. I’m gonna tell her that’s she’s stupid and, and, and ugly. Yeah ugly.” Cool move dude. You really showed her. Even if any of what he had to say was true, he totally ruined any validity or credibility when he acted like a rejected child.

And all the while thinking he was the smartest guy in the room. As much as I hate the guy, Nick has really come in and made the rest of these guys self-destruct while he just sits back, a la Mr. Burns and quietly says “Excellent.”

###

Okay so I’m guessing at this point you’re all “What the what? Nick didn’t make the cut?” NO. Nick did not make my top five. I’m still not prepared to validate him with top five placement. It’s going to take a few more weeks for that although with the amount of loud, open-mouth kissing he’s been doing – I’m sure he’ll be there soon.

Hey but don’t forget guys, Ian went to Princeton. Oh yeah and Shawn is a total babe.

Also, all the guys wearing skinny scarves have got to go. That is all. 

 

Next week things get scandalous (say it like you’re really excited to get the full effect).

Until next week… stay tuned.