Ugh you guys, can we all agree that Nick is an overgrown 15 year-old? And on that same note, can we all agree that Kaitlyn is seeming more and more like a giddy 15 year-old coming back from summer and now all the boys just love her?

Look I was (and still am, for the record) firmly planted on Team Kaitlyn but girlfriend is not quite the big ball of likability she was last season which, I suppose, is to be expected when a camera is pointed at you 18 hours a day. But this season is like they took the show, shook it and then were like “eh, it’s kind of a mess but let’s go with it.”

This week’s episode was mostly just a lot of Nick and Kaitlyn whispering, open mouth kissing and starting their own sound effects company. That with a little bit of Ian’s narcissistic rant and a side of self-deprecating Tanner (new fave!) but since we’ve got to get to the top five moments, here ya go.

* Ian. I guess the producers thought that one Monday of Ian’s ego was just not enough, let me be the first to say, it was. I’m guessing that Princeton just wanted a few more name drops in there before their run was up. Either way, I’m totally convinced that Ian got over-served and realized what an ass-hat he’d made of himself on that mariachi date. Rather than just get dismissed and immediately forgotten, he had to go big. “I don’t like you anyways,” Ian told Kaitlyn doing his best impression of a four-year-old throwing a tantrum. But props to Kaitlyn for realizing she was dealing with a child, keeping her cool and allowing him the forum to look like a total clown.

Ian kept it rolling well in to the van where he moaned about how all the guys do is talk about farts and sex, after which he let out a loud one and then loudly exclaimed that he just needed to get laid (okay only one of those things happened). Oh and don’t forget the line where he said he’d make the best Bachelor and that the ladies would be lining up to meet him. Can’t wait to see that line of insecure desperation. I’m thinking most American woman are taking a hard pass and choosing a life surrounded by cats before one minute spent with Ian.

The Date with Nick. Where do we even start on this one? Why not with Shawn B. doing his best not to lunge across the room and steal that date card right out of Nick’s hands? Poor guy is really having a hard time dealing with this Nick situation. You and me both Shawn. You and me both.

So for their date, Nick and Kailtyn essentially day drink their way through Dublin. No hating here although if I was going to day drink with any of these fools, I’d definitely choose Ben Z. cause he at least can carry you if you get over-served (not that I’ve ever had that happen, just saying). They get all whiskey drunk before heading to dinner where they take one look at their food before casting it aside in favor of LOTS of open mouth, loud, sloppy kissing. And whispering. Lots and lots of whispering. I was already sufficiently consumed with secondary embarrassment at this point (already having done two stints of burying my head in blankets) but then they took it back to the room.

Side note: Can we talk about Nick’s creepy, kiddie, drunk, slap happy face? It may haunt my nightmares until the season finale. It’s an odd mix of sexual, scary, juvenile and up to no good – which may be the most frightening thing on the planet when you think of it. It’s even creepier when you realize that Nick is 34. I’m going to put that in there again for emphasis. Nick is 34 years old. 

Back in the room, there’s a lot more whispering, heavy petting and sloshing of glasses. It doesn’t take much convincing for Kaitlyn to break “the {set by ABC} rules” and invite Nick in to her fantasy suite. Speaking of suites, that room was CRAP. They couldn’t swing for something a little nicer for The Bachelorette? I mean, she’s no celebrity but if your hotel is gonna be on television, you’d think you’d want to see more than an old looking guest suite. I’m just saying.

Balcony Talk. In the aftermath of her Night with Nick (I feel like it needs to be capitalized), Kaitlyn decides to do a little soul searching on the balcony. I cannot say how much I loved that the producers made it look like she was talking to herself… for like an hour.

Clearly ABC Intern #2 is standing to her left, right out of camera view, encouraging her to discuss “what she did.” And more importantly, the impact it will have on all her rock-solid, totally real relationships. I also couldn’t get enough of the cut to Nick walking in the courtyard, jacket slung over his shoulder like some pubescent James Dean.

Lots of fretting ensue and the intern throws some enthusiastic thumbs up to the secret camera set up in the bushes below her room. Hey, if there’s gonna be a sex scandal, we’ve got to really wring it out. It was so ridiculous that it was totally enjoyable, I needed a little levity after that Nick with Nick and the once over it did on my gag reflex.

Tanner. Can we all give it up for Tanner on the group date? Just like the rest of America, Tanner is totally confused as to why he is still here but hey, he might as well enjoy it. That little ode to Kaitlyn was fan.tas.tic. I also love how the guys with “real” relationships go to Tanner to discuss their dates and time with her (Nick told Tanner his date story no less than 3 times) since they all know that he hasn’t spoken more than 5 words to Kaitlyn and has just been sneaking along on these last few trips.

Four for you, Tanner. You go Tanner. 

Side Note: I see some Bachelor in Paradise in your future as a reward for your good humor and lack of all douchebaggery.

Shawn B.’s Breakdown. Shawn B., while a smoking hottie cross between Calvin Harris and Ryan Gosling, is an emotional wreck. First he spots Kaitlyn kissing Nick at the first rose ceremony, then he looses his shit at the second one. I didn’t even really realize what was happening (mostly because I was only half paying attention, that Nick date really took it out of me – that’s what she said).

Clearly they’re trying to make it look like he’s going to leave but we all know that won’t be the case. But what about him telling Ben H. (or was that a producer, I was confused) that Kaitlyn told him he’s “the one.” Did she really tell him that? I feel like the crew would have caught that on tape. Hell if they can catch Robert Durst admitting to committing murder, they should be able to catch The Bachelorette sharing her true affections.

I, for one, am hoping it’s true because that would mean that she doesn’t end up with Nick and totally ruining her life.

In the mean time, Shawn – GET IT TOGETHER BRO. You’re running around like a girl who can’t keep her crazy under control on the first episode of The Bachelor. You’re better than this.

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Anyways, I’m sure I left out a bunch of cringe worthy memorable moments and I’m sorry but this show is too overwhelming on that front. Honorable Mention to Ben Z. for handling the coffin date with class (um producers, his mom died not that long ago – maybe leave him off this one) and Ben H. for being a total cutie, duh. Also, can we get Joe from Kentucky some more screen time. He is kind of a LOL-Cat and I want him to make some more jokes at Nick’s expense. Last but not least, where in the world has J.J. disappeared to? Is he even on this show anymore? Did he leave to find Clint?

AND WHERE IS CHRIS HARRISON!?

I guess we’ll find out next week. Until then… stay tuned.