Can I just tell you that our household has been actively counting down the days until this latest season of The Bachelorette. Jojo fever is alive and well with the men of my household – mostly with my five-year-old who I think may have more game than 90% of the guys on this season. He would have definitely scored a rose over the Canadian belly-button poker.

Seriously, Bachelorette season is a good one around my house and we are all pumped to watch Jojo traipse around the world, preferably in a bathing suit (her body is ON POINT), followed by a parade of DB’s.

This first episode did not disappoint although I do have a suggestion for the producers. Why not do a full casting special to give us a look into how they find these guys? I am seriously intrigued by the process that allows both Jordan Rodgers and a guy whose job title is “Hipster” on to the show. Bachelor nation would love it and we all know that Chris Harrison needs more screen time.

On to the episode… In standard fashion we’re treated to a quick get-to-know-you session with a select group of contestants each full of shirtless workouts, gazing longingly into the distance and waxing poetic about their readiness to find ‘the one.’ This portion usually bores me and ends up being fast-forwarded through but this time we sat through the whole thing. Initial thoughts: I like Christian and the rancher guy/war veteran from Texas seems like a vampire from the Twilight movies.

We also get to catch up with Jojo who has recovered from her breakup with Ben and is looking good. Eat your heart out Higgins. Her workouts and long chats with her mom (over wine, of course) have prepared her for another epic journey. Sames Jojo, sames.

I’m going to skip over her girl talk session with the former Bachelorettes because honestly, it was boring. I mean, you could tell Kaitlyn was so bored being there. I blame it mostly on Desiree who has got to be the worst Bachelorette of all time. Couldn’t they bring back that cute girl that’s on all the HGTV shows? Also, I loved Ali but she shouldn’t be allowed to give out advice since her and Roberto totally broke up (her bad). I did like how she admitted that she just fell for Roberto because he was a stone cold fox. What’s that hottie up to these days?

No time for internet stalking though, it’s time to get this party started. Cue the limos. 

First up is Jordan Rodgers, you know, Aaron’s brother. I want to hate him since I’m not a big fan of his big bro but he’s a hottie and by the end of the night (or beginning of the next day) he seems like the only one who can keep his shit together. He cannot, however, keep that hairdo intact for an entire night. Did anyone else see that gel flyaway when he sat down with Jojo the second time? I kept wanting to reach through the screen and fix it.

Other limo highlights: Santa Claus. When Father Christmas first got out of the limo, I got super judgey but his commitment to the costume throughout the night and his random outbursts of “Jo Jo Jo!” won me over. Clearly he won over Jojo too. Smooth move for getting her to sit on your lap Santa.

Christian. He’s a cutie who seems like a mildly normal human being. Extra bonus points for the back-story and for taking care of his younger bros. Fun Fact – he’s also the cousin of Baltimore Ravens running back Justin Forsett.

The Guy Who Looks Like Jim Halpert. I think his name is Derek.

The Rancher/War Veteran/Twilight Extra. This guy is a little too brooding for me and normally I’d give him a big slap for the unicorn stunt but he gets a pass since it was a play on Jojo’s donning the unicorn mask last season. I’m still a little concerned that he’s going to turn our Bachelorette into one of those sparkly skinned vampires but otherwise he seems nice, quiet and not like a total lone star loser.

On to the cocktail party.

The Bachelorette cocktail party is always a little more out of control thanks to a steady mix of testosterone and whiskey. On The Bachelor the girls just talk shit about each other in corners and passive aggressively ‘steal’ time. On The Bachelorette, the party turns into a pissing contest pretty quickly. I half expect them to build a little wrestling mat or boxing ring so the guys can have a safe space to beat the crap out of each other.

There’s also, surprisingly, A LOT more hair product on The Bachelorette. These guys are all different versions of the same guy – big muscles, super snug suit, trendy hair cut with tons of product and fashion socks. Lots of fashion socks. This trend throughly confused my mom who watched with us and peppered us with questions on how this show stays on TV. We have no idea Brenda, don’t ask questions and enjoy the ride.

After a couple hours, things start to get sufficiently awkward and the emotionally unstable guys start to become unglued. A couple bros – Vinny and a guy that looks like a Helmsworth brother – get drunk and fiesty but the real secondary embarrassment came when Daniel let it all hang out.

Not sure what was the worst part – stripping down to his teeny tiny briefs, running around poking people in the belly button or the body builder posing in the camera. How in the world did the producers keep a straight face when that was going down? I would have seriously died.

I’m going to go ahead and say the worst has got to be that after his dip in the pool that he put his clothes back on over his wet unders. Just walking around with a giant wet spot on his pants the rest of the night. Oh and we haven’t even talked about his black on black shirt and tie combo yet. Ahh and I almost forgot his whole “Damn Daniel” bit and then asking Jojo if she’s been on the internets lately. Hand to face.

Not sure what the producers bribed Jojo with to have her keep him around another week but I’m proud of them. Who knows what he’s likely to do next. I mean, really what’s left for him to do? I’m thinking that roided-up guy Chad will probably punch him in the face to round out his story arc.

I could go on for days talking about this week’s premiere but clearly we all don’t have time for that (and I’ve got this baby I’ve got to take care of). The good thing is it looks like there will be no shortage of secondary embarrassment to carry us through this amazing journey for true love. More importantly, can All for One come along for the entire season. I feel like it’s a Geico commercial every time they pop up. I think they should just randomly appear during one-on-ones. Props to Wells for bringing them. Also, how did that whole thing get set-up? Enquiring minds need to know. Are they bringing back that “After the Rose” show?

I mean I haven’t even mentioned the half Chinese/half Scottish guy that showed up in a kilt, the weird hair pattern on the top of Chad’s head, the guy that runs an erectile disfunction clinic and the guy that legitimately goes by James Taylor (who actually seems kind of sweet in a ‘make it to the top 6 but get kicked off on a two-on-one date’ kind of way). Oh and Jake Pavelka! What the what was that douche doing there? Do you REALLY think they are long time family friends? Jake, you’ve already done like EVERY REALITY SHOW ever, give it up. Ahh so much good stuff.

Seriously this show is a gift. A true Monday night treat. But can we move the start time up to 8 pm? That whole starting at 9 thing is kind of a buzz kill.

I’ll get back to a more structured style recap next week – I was just too excited to talk about the madness of this premiere to keep any kind of structure.

Who are your favorites? Who do you think Chad punches? More importantly, who do you think Chad DOESN’T punch? Will Jordan win or is he just there to get famous? Will Aaron and Olivia Munn make an appearance (or just live tweet an episode)? When, oh when, will Jojo’s mom get some more screen time?

Until next week… stay tuned!