Bachelor in Paradise has been a real treat. Sweet, somewhat satisfying but leaves you with a big stomach ache after having too much.
That’s how I feel about stretching it out to THREE HOURS every week. Oooo weee do I like all the ridiculousness and I love how seemingly stupid they all are (yet amazingly talented at hair and make-up) but do we really need three hours a week. I would say yes if we were focusing more on the hook-ups that watch more like two sixth graders figuring out the dating game but instead we’re getting all hung up on Kentucky Joe Dirt.
I’m thinking we may need to make this game about love AND money again. Forget “finding true love.” How about competing in absurd challenges meant to test your self-worth as a human all in pursuit of $250,000. I think the solution is combining the greatness of Bachelor Pad (the games) with the guise of a hunt for herpes true love on Bachelor in Paradise. Let’s make it happen. Until then, here’s my top 5 from this week’s 180 minute test of my resolve.
* Big Bad Joe. We get it. Joe is laying it on thick as the season’s villain. Hey, you do you to get your 8 minutes of fame but is anyone else TIRED OF THIS? So what if Joe and Samantha talked before hand? Who cares if he was conniving to stay on another week? Yeah, I get it – Juelia is a single mom trying to find love but she was warned by at least two people, if not more, that Joe wasn’t all he was cracked up to be.
No one (other than me it seems) thought twice about her casting aside Jonathan (and his vest). And when she rolled her eyes at Mikey T., no one said a thing. Although to be fair, it was probably hard to see the eye-rolling behind her hideously large fake eyelashes. Oh yeah and can we talk about how Tensley went on dates with two guys back-to-back and everything just thought she was the sweetest thing.
I get it. Joe sucks. He is annoying, really stupid and a huge asshole. I also understand that every argument he has is like watching a contentious debate between two irate seven-year-olds but let’s stop with this “we’re all here for true love” bit. Jared, I know you get to play the nice guy when two certifiable crazies have their fake nails in you. But is everyone going to turn on you when a girl you are actually interested in knocking boots with finally walks down those steps?
What I’m trying to say is that this show loves to make people self-righteous when another one is just playing the game a little better. So Joe, go get at Samantha while you can because sooner or later she’s going to see you’re a big schmuck. And even if she’s not smart enough to realize that, she’s gotta figure out soon that you look like a reject from the Geico caveman commercials.
* Samantha + That Photo Shoot. Okay so soon you are going to be pissed at me for going on too long about these two but it’s hard not to focus on them when all three hours focused on these fools.
First off, Samantha – you are a smoking hottie that none of us can remember. You swear you were on Chris’ season? I’m not buying it. But hey, you’ve got that bad-ass bod and perfect hair which are big for this spin-off. Also, you have a true mastery of make-up. How in the sam hell did you get your make-up to stay perfect while making out in a shower!?! Consider me impressed.
Okay but this moment was off the secondary embarrassment charts especially when they would pan back to the camera crew. No gracias por favor.
And before I move on, can we all discuss that absurd photo shoot? Do any of you subscribe to People? Have you seen it? Is it as horrible as it looked on TV? You know the People crew had to be PISSED when they found out the dude with, hands down, the worst body on the show was coming for this shoot. I mean Kirk may look like a mix between an old-timey sheriff and a sketchy janitor but his abs are on point. I feel like even JJ has better abs than Joe.
* Kirk and Carly. I want the best for this son of a taxidermist and cruise ship singer but there’s a few things about this couple that give me a Grade A case of Secondary Embarrassment:
1. Carly’s hands are FREAKISHLY small. I have a serious thing about people with small hands and hers are T.I.N.Y. I almost can’t look at them. Please please please lord don’t let her put them next to Joshua’s elephant hands. I may die.
2. What is with Kirk’s facial hair? It is orange. And looks like a bristle brush. And probably catches food. Ugh, I just vomited in my mouth. That’s enough on that subject.
3. Carly’s eyebrows. Just look at them next week.
4. Carly’s hair. It’s extensions right? It’s gotta be extensions or a wig or something. It looks like what Brittany Spears had before she got that crazy look in her eye and shaved her head. It’s all knotty and different colors. Can Claire help her with that? Please Claire, help her out. Help a sister out.
Okay so that was a little snarky but I just feel like with a few small beauty tools these two would be muy bueno.
What’s not snarky is wondering why Carly missed her BROTHER’S WEDDING to be on this show? Say whhaaaat (using Joe face, see above)? You choose to hit up a fantasy suite with Kirk instead of attending your brother’s wedding in Ireland. Great choice Carly. I have a feeling you may regret this one in 10 to 20 years.
* Ashley S. Bless her crazy little heart. I thought we were turing the corner with this one. I thought she was going to show us that the crazy was all an act. That she had her shit together and that despite having a penchant for dressing like an extra from the 80’s show Dallas, she wasn’t totally nuts.
Then Dan had to go and break her little crazy heart. Why would you do that Dan? Couldn’t you, Ashley and those cockatoos just enjoy a few more weeks in paradise together? Now the Dan no one remembers is out with the Amber everyone only vaguely remembers (although they both are terribly attractive) in a story line that no one really cares about.
Ashley and those crabs though, that’s a story line I can get behind (no really, they are actual sea crabs not the kind you’d expect someone to get on this show).
* Jared’s Mustache. There are probably a million things I should really be discussing here but the one thing that is giving me the most secondary embarrassment bang for the buck is Jared’s mustache. That thing is gross and makes him look like a carnival magician. I’m thinking by next week it may have curled up edges that Jared will rub together while debating the pros and cons of Ashley I. and Claire.
Yeah I’d make that face too if that thing was growing on my upper lip.
Were razors banned from this trip? Were they considered some sort of contraband? Is this some form of ABC dress code – the girls are required to have eye lash extensions that drip down their faces and the guys must all look like western-movie bank robbers?
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You know what I really need more of? This guy. 
Gotta love that he’s reading his own book. You go CH.
Until next time… Stay Tuned!
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