Last night’s episode of The Bachelor had a real Mean Girls vibe minus the lecture from Ms. Norbury (they could have used it though). Clearly as someone who writes weekly snarky commentary about this show, I’m not saint but the claws really came out last night. That army of beachy wave blonde beauties were ready to take down Olivia and her fat feet, Jubilee and her date dissing and Lauren B. for well… sike, everyone loves Lauren B. We all know how much I love making Mean Girls references but it almost seems gratuitous after what we saw yesterday. Even Becca got in on that point and laugh action (thank god d3 was asleep for that part).
So for today’s recap I’ll try to leave all references behind with one exception, does anyone else think Olivia probably has sucky nailbeds, bad breath in the morning and horrible pores? Okay, I’ll stop.
Once again, I live tweeted last night’s episode so all of my spur of the moment commentary can be found here. The only real reason to follow along on my Monday tweets is to hear what d3 has to say about the episode (at least for the first hour – he is five after all). Last night, he was coming strong with some snark on those twins. He is definitely done with them even if Ben continues to let them hang around.
Date #1: The first date of the week goes to the always adorable Lauren B. She’s a cutey, I can’t help but like her. There’s something about her I find a little annoying but every time I try to pinpoint it, I’m distracted by her otherwise adorableness and decide to let it go.
Here’s the thing though. Lauren is a flight attendant. She rides in planes all day for a living. Ben’s date idea for her? Let’s go on a bi-plane ride! Because Lauren is sweet as apple pie, she smiles and feigns excitement but you know deep down she’s all like, REALLY?!? That’s like taking a chef to cooking classes. Or a teacher on a weird high-school reenactment date, oh wait, Ben did that too already.
Yeah it’s a bi-plane and not an American Airlines commuter plane hauling convention travelers, small children and business peeps from Charlotte to Nashville but c’mon, you can do better Ben. I know you can.
Since these two are adorable and relatively normal, this date is pretty boring and a little corny. Props to whoever put together the flight plane with a strategically planned fly by over the Mansion. The girls all have to take a break from drinking away their boredom and tanning to see Lauren enjoying time in the sky with their man. Let the jealousy begin.
Also, this exact moment is when I tweeted this: “Wait did anyone see how swollen Olivia’s feet were? I know, so random.” Who knew that something I thought was just a little champagne induced swelling was really just how her feet look. I must have been feeling a little clairvoyant last night because Olivia’s stanky feet ended up playing a big role in this episode. Side note: I could make a Mean Girls reference here but I’m going to let it pass.
But Lauren ain’t got time for Olivia’s Miss Piggy toes and instead wishes she’s smooching in the plane with Ben. They end up having an equally boring and adorable dinner date where she snags a rose. On a more important note, we find out the answer to that burning question on everyone’s mind from last week’s date. Did they end up buying the hot tub they test drove with Kevin Hart and Ice Cube? Yup, they bought it and put that puppy out in the middle of the desert because who needs a hot tub in the middle of nowhere? The Bachelor.
Date #2: This week’s group date is the now annual sports challenge date. This year, they’ve roped in a couple Women’s World Cup Champions to point and laugh while the girls try to play soccer. And by play soccer, I mean dress in soccer clothes and disregard all the rules of the game.
D3 was out on this date the minute they said the twins got to go. He also thought they were all horrible at soccer. I couldn’t help but agree with him on both points.
Not going to lie, I only paid half attention to the match but I know Olivia was there and her team won (and no one had to get smelt up in the process). I also know that one of the girls that doesn’t have long blonde hair got hurt and that Olivia would have rather seen that girl not walk another day in her life than let her win the challenge date. Amber scored the winning goal and Team Stripes (??) won the chance to spend the evening talking shit about each other while fighting like Cinderella’s Step-Sisters for their Prince Charming.
They end up at that hotel with the pool they always go to and Olivia proceeds to immediately start ruining everything. She snags Ben and takes him up to a hotel room where she pushes his hair back and yells down to the girls below to “Tell him his hair looks really sexy pushed back.” (sorry sorry sorry I couldn’t help it)
This pushes the girls into a frenzy of shit talking led by Amber with the main point of ridicule being Olivia’s fat (I think these were their words so don’t get all judgey with me), horrible feet. REALLY?! Of all the things to go to town on Olivia for, you all are going with her feet. I know poor foot hygiene is no good but did you forgot Olivia is a total bitch with no apparent concern for others with the largest mouth this side of Sesame Street?
She also apparently has bad fake boobs, smelly breath and a large credit card balance. While all of this is going down, they cut to one of Olivia’s on-camera interviews where for the first time I realize that she is only 23 years old. SAY WHAT!?! How is she so young? I definitely thought she was at least 28. The age thing helps (kinda) explain her behavior but seriously old girl needs to lay off that heavy TV anchor make-up. It is doing her no favors.
At the end of this date, much to Olivia’s horror and utter shock, Amber gets the rose. I’m with Olivia though on being shocked though, how has Amber made it this far? Yes, she’s cute, has a banging body and seems alright but she is the biggest wallflower. Half the time I forget she’s even on the show. At least we all know her name since this is like her fifth Bachelor show.
Olivia doesn’t really care though that Amber gets the rose because, as she explains to use in great detail, her and Ben share a special, unspoken bond that involves using each other as a human handrail.
Date #3: The last one-on-one date of the week goes to Jubilee who, it turns out, may be the most awkward person since me during Juan Pablo’s season. She seems half confused, half excited about going on the date which in all fairness to the rest of the plastics initially comes off as disinterest.
When she comes down stairs in that white two-piece number though, I know she’s ready to show Ben what’s up. Well, that is until he’s 20 minutes late and she gets that whole impatient girlfriend face thing. Then it’s a helicopter date and she’s even more annoyed, like “ugh Ben, can’t you think of ANYTHING more original than a helicopter ride? This date is so played out.” So played out in fact, that she offers her date card up to the mass of Victoria’s Secret Angel wannabes waving her off.
She’s clearly joking but the girls find this to be the most offensive joke in Bachelor history and proceed to talk shit about Jubilee for the rest of the day. What an ungrateful bia they think as they pound pina coladas and fall asleep in one of those make-out tents.
Ben takes Jubilee to a day spa where they are greeted with champagne and caviar. Jubilee is meh about the caviar and let’s Ben know that this fancy spread has nothing on her favorite food – the hot dog. Ben’s all like, “What? Yeah hot dogs are cool but really that’s your favorite food?” I can’t hate on her though because hot dogs are delicious; I just wouldn’t tell a guy that on my first date especially not one where I am being seriously wined and dined but hey, props to you for being honest Jubilee.
Jubilee and Ben then strip down for a dip in the hot tub during which all American pays little attention to what they are saying and instead tries to uncover the meaning of their tattoos like it’s an episode of The Blindspot. No but really, did anyone zoom in really close and figure out what Ben’s side tattoo says? I’m also desperate to know what Jubilee’s Chinese symbols really mean.
It’s all seeming really friend-zone and kinda awkward until dinner when Jubilee let’s her guard down and we all get a big case of the sads. It turns out that not only is she an adopted, combat veteran but she’s also the last surviving member of her family who all died in Haiti. Gah, now I feel like a horrible person and all I did was tweet a couple things out about her love of hot dogs. I TAKE IT ALL BACK!
Ben really digs her and what’s not to dig, she is super pretty, has an awesome body and isn’t a spoiled brat. I’m not ready to jump ship from #TeamLauren (I’m in this to win the money in my fantasy draft) but Jubilee has taken a big leap into my final four.
They kiss and she gets the rose. All of which is going to make it really awkward when she gets back and finds out that the girls at the house have packed up all her things and set her suitcase outside the door. Okay okay, they weren’t THAT mean but when they woke up the next morning to find her still there you would have thought there was going to be a throw down (uh, duh my money’s on the war vet). No seriously, here’s a full minute of them just talking shit.
OH! And did anyone want to kick Lauren H. when she said that thing about Ben wanting to find a nice housewife to pick the kids up from car pool? “SHUT UP!” I yelled at the TV while my face twisted into my standard, you’re dead to me look. Go curl your hair and get out of here. I think that Lauren H. is pretty two-faced. She seems to be like the one riling everyone up at the house then hiding behind that elementary school teacher facade in her on-camera interviews. I’ve got an eye on this one.
Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony: Ben shows up to the party seriously sad. Turns out he has just found out about the death of some friends back home who were in a plane crash (side note: I definitely remember this happening since it was just outside Bloomington which is not far from here – They were going to the National Championship basketball game I think and their plane crashed – really, really sad). Basically, this is Ben saying to save the drama for your momma but the rest of the girls (read: Olivia) don’t hear anything but their own thoughts and instead proceed to make Ben’s night even worse.
Shocker, Olivia is first up. She tackles Ben and then drags him out by his legs to the patio where she proceeds to tell him about how hard its been for her in the house. Oh yeah, two people who meant a lot to you just died but have I told you how the girls are making fun of my cankles? I fight the urge to jump through my TV and poke her in the eye before shaking her violently while Ben calmly listens to her whine about how mean the girls are about her feet probs. No joke, she starts crying and that’s when Ben is all, “ain’t no body got time for this” and leaves.
The rest of the girls attempt to act sympathetic but you know they’re really just wondering how their hair looks. Jubilee then snags him away and the rest of the girls lose their shit when they see her giving him a massage. Now, here’s the thing. Do I think the massage was a little excessive, embarrassing and awkward? YES. Do I get why the girls are a little bitchy about it? Do I think them acting like the flying monkeys from the Wizard of Oz was a little much? Um, yes. Chill the f out ladies. Yeah, she already has a rose. So did Olivia last week (and look what happened to that fat ankled girl this week). It happens. But here’s the thing, you all need to keep your crazy under control.
Amber, who also already has a rose, makes a big stink about being the one to confront Jubilee, cause you know, she’s just being a friend. Instead she looks like a dummy in front of Ben. Better be happy he already gave you that rose.
Speaking of keeping your crazy under control, Lace (who we’ve all been missing big time this episode) decides to let Ben know one more time that she’s not crazy. He’s all nodding and rolling his eyes until she’s like, no really, this show is making me cuckoo-bananas and I think I need to go home. Wait, what!? Lace is actually self-aware enough to know when it’s her time to throw in the towel? Proud of you girl.
If you’re counting at home, that’s two girls leaving on their own.
At the rose ceremony, somehow the twins manage to survive another week, a bunch of blonde girls get roses and Olivia gets the “get your shit together” last rose. Shushanna and that awesome jumpsuit have to go home (we hardly knew you and all your cute clothes) along with Jami – the one who kinda looked like Amber.
Next week, the girls are packing up. I, for one, am excited to see what crazy comes out of Olivia’s large mouth next week and keeping my fingers crossed for another Jubilee vs. The House showdown (again, my money’s on Jubilee).
Until next week… stay tuned.