How have I never incorporated this Mariah Carey classic into a SE blog post title yet? Clearly a massive oversight on my part.

It was Fantasy Suite week – you know, the time when Ben gets to really see what the boobies look like and the morning breath smells like. These are important things to know when picking your life partner, so yeah, it was a big week. Ben’s got some decisions to make and a lot of love to share.

Before we dive into each date can we take a second to talk about the giant elephant in the room? WHERE IS CHRIS HARRISON? This man has got it made. He’s just traveling around the world with Ben, eating all the lobster he can find, soaking in every hot tub known to man and enjoying helicopter rides in his crisp cream linen slacks. How do I know he’s doing this? Because he’s definitely not doing much on the show and he’s certainly not filling Ben in on the rules. Or more specifically – THE RULE. You know, the one where you don’t say ‘I love you’ back. Chris – do you even transcribe the Fantasy Suite date cards to some spineless intern anymore? Three sentences per episode is not enough – I need a fireside (or fire pit maybe) chat. The only thing keeping me going is knowing that we’re going to get some major face time next week during the Women Tell All episode. <RANT OVER>

Also, I feel like as a group we need to discuss Ben’s shorts. Why oh why are they so short and so tight? Sometimes I think he’s actually just wearing boxer briefs (case in point – on the date with Jojo). I get it, shorter shorts are in but his are SO TIGHT and SO SHORT. Would it kill you to give your thigh a little breathing room Ben?

So first up is Caila who is the worst. There I said it. I know there’s got to be some of you out there that love Caila or at least loved her at the beginning. Hell, even I thought she had some good zingers at the beginning but now she’s just annoying. And a lot of joy. Just so much joy. Even Ben is like “Can you stop awkwardly grinning at me like a dog at a barbeque?” That and the hair. I can’t with the hair. She’s like a walking Pantene commercial. This grip is not so much annoyance but sheer amazement and wonder. Like, how in the world do you get it to stay like that in the wicked humid conditions of Jamaica?

If any of you thought Caila stood a chance in hell of making it past this episode, I’m not sure we can be friends (who am I kidding, you don’t want to be my friend – I’m horrible). Jojo’s family might be certifiable but her smoking hot bod and equally killer hair mean she’s a shoo-in for the finale.

Anyways, for this date Caila and Ben take what has to be one of the most awkward rides down the Ocho Rios ever. You know that raft guy (driver? operator? sailor? what do you call a raft controller?) is used to honeymooning couples pawing all over each other. Instead he gets these two, sitting side-by-side staring absently into space. Hey Caila, this is the moment you’ve been waiting for (or so you’ve said in EVERY off-camera interview), go ahead and talk to him. I felt like I was watching that scene in The Little Mermaid where Ariel can’t speak to the prince, except even Ariel was more engaging and exciting than Caila.

Ben’s all like “are you okay?” but then immediately takes it back because he’s not sure he can handle the overeagerness for another second. They settle down for some jerk chicken (which looked delicious) and Caila finally opens up about her insecurities. Basically she knows she’s not as great as Lauren B. (who is?) and it’s been driving her crazy. Ben’s all reassuring while keeping his fingers crossed and avoiding eye contact. He appreciates her “openness” and “vulnerability” which is just him saying he’s definitely going to take advantage of that later in the fantasy suite.

Once Caila gets all the jitters out of the way, she’s back to her overeager self and I keep wanting to yell “sit! stay!” at the screen since she is literally the embodiment of a Golden Retriever. I’m also praying, out loud, that she doesn’t do that annoying thing where she makes Ben carry her. Enough of that.

Ben acts like he’s interested at dinner but he’s really just looking forward to that aperitif from Chris Harrison. Caila does that shy dance of not wanting to appear loose on national television but also show that she’s interested while debating her fantasy suite options. Obviously, she goes for it and is showing off her midriff in no time.

Ben seals the deal but also opens himself up for the inevitable crazy train when he lets her go later. Caila on the other hand, has no clue and confesses she loves him. Ben does that thing where you look away and pretend you didn’t hear anything. Caila don’t care – she just knows the rules and thinks Ben is following the one where he can’t say I love you. Little does she know …. Good luck with this one bud!

There’s no time to worry about that now though. Ben’s got a date with Lauren B. and he literally runs out of Caila’s room to get ready for it. Okay, that’s probably made up – do they get a day off in between? I feel like they do but also have absolutely no idea if that is right.

Once again the producers pull out all the cuteness for this duo. Lauren B., looking oh-so-Americana in her cut-off shorts, plus baby turtles. It may go down as the cutest moment in bachelor history (their words, not mine). Ben and Lauren are hitting the beach, with another cutie named Mel, to release baby sea turtles into the ocean. Precious.

While Ben waxes poetic about how important what they are doing is for the future of turtles, Mel is making moves on Lauren B. SIKE! But that would have been awesome. No but really, who didn’t get some solid laughs over Ben trying to act really serious about the turtles. C’mon bro. We all know you are way more concerned with checking out Lauren B’s assets than releasing turtles.

Either way, this date is full of cuteness and I love every second. OMG, those turtles! Mel! That crab biting Ben! Too Cute.

I will say that it’s 100% clear from their interaction that Ben is totally taken with Lauren and the sentiment is shared. These two seem as much like a real couple as you possibly can while being filmed for a nationally broadcast reality TV show. Their interactions are genuine and even their annoying “do you like me?” “are you too good for me?” banter is realistic in that way really pretty people must interact.

The biggest bombshell of the whole date is when Ben drops the L word on Lauren. She {FINALLY} tells him she’s in love with him and instead of the standard Bachelor, ‘thank you,’ he responds with an “I love you too.” WAIT WUUUUTTTT? You cannot say that. You are not allowed to tell the chickies you love them, it is the cardinal rule of The Bachelor. The one thing this entire franchise is built upon! Has Chris Harrison not taught you anything!?!

Lauren, who clearly is well aware of The Rule, is a little surprised but obviously takes this as a sign that she’s got this thing in the bag. Because, well she does but also because YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY IT BACK! So when he says it back she practically flings off her bikini top, kisses Mel on the mouth and does a happy dance (how great would that have been?).

The “dinner” is simply a formality and an excuse to put on a beachy frock before heading off to the fantasy suite. Side note, this resort is nice! And it’s a Sandals? You go Sandals. It’s one of the first times I’ve been watching this show and actually wanted to go to one of the resorts on screen. I’m sure the room/villas they rented are WAY out of my budget but hey, a girl can dream. And anyways, Ben says Jamaica is a great place for love so I’ve got to go now right? (Note to self: The Bachelor/ette has also said the following places are great for falling in love: Mexico City, San Antonio, Iceland, Iowa.)

Lauren and Ben head off for some steamy one-on-one time where it seems like the cameras stay a little too long. If I was Ben, I would do one of those aggressive camera pushes that people do when their local “Troubleshooter” anchor is accusing them of stealing old people’s money. ‘GET OUT OF HERE!’

I appreciate that when Lauren wakes up that 1. she just threw her clothes on the floor cause ain’t no body got time for being tidy in the fantasy suite and 2. that she looks like a normal human in the morning. All the other girls on this show pull the Kristin Wiig in Bridesmaids move where they wake up and apply all kinds of make-up and whip out their curling irons real fast for a touch up before casually “rolling out of bed.” With her top knot and slight mascara smudge I both love and hate how normal/amazing she looks.

Ben brings her breakfast in bed and the adorableness just continues. Can we just fast-forward to the end already? Unfortunately no because we’ve got one last date with….

Jojo. First off, does anyone else think Jojo is the spitting image of Isla Fischer? It’s all I can think about when she’s on screen. Also, has anyone else done extensive research into Jojo’s family background? No, just me. Okay that’s cool. Seriously though, you kind of need an advanced degree to figure out how all the brothers/sisters are related (or half-related) but it’s a pretty solid time suck. Also, Jojo’s mom went to Vanderbilt. You go Saraya!

At the beginning of this date, I’m thinking Ben will just use this as an opportunity to see Jojo’s awesome bod in a bathing suit (or less) and then let her know that her brothers are crazy bananas and there’s no way in hell he can join her family (it’s too confusing for him to figure out too). But then Ben gets all taken with Jojo’s amazing hair, killer bod and smoking hot good looks and the chemistry is on. Of course they go to a waterfall because where else do you take someone who looks like a Victoria’s Secret model?

He also uses the oldest trick in the book to get a sneak peek at those boobies – making her jump off a cliff so that he can get a look while she inevitably readjusts underwater. I ain’t mad at cha.

Jojo, like both Lauren and Caila before her, is nervous about where she stands with Ben. Even more so after her family ruined everything. Ben lets her know that her brothers were a little aggressive and Jojo gets that embarrassed look she’s definitely had before. Gah, Ben and Matt you’re so stupid. (#obligatorymeangirlsreference)

Jojo apologizes profusely and makes sure Ben knows that those are only her HALF brothers and not to get hung up on their unpredictable behavior and shawl collar sweaters. She does all of this only when coming up for air in between their intense make-out sessions. Get a room you two… oh wait, you’re going to.

Before cleaning up, Jojo admits to Ben that she too, is in love with him. Not falling in love, 100% totes in love. And then it happens again, Ben’s says it – the L word. Just like Lauren before her, Jojo’s all like WHAT THE WHAT? You can’t say that. And at home Drew and I look at each other, wide-eyed wondering why oh why he would say that AGAIN! These rules exist for a reason Ben! Jojo is already mentally cleaning out drawers for you in her giant Dallas condo. Little does she know that you’re dropping L bombs willy nilly all over Jamaica. Did you tell Mel you love him too Ben?!

This is going to be a problem. At least Ben kind of knows it’s going to be a problem but he’s saving that for another day, you know, another day that doesn’t end in a fantasy suite.

I’m half hoping Chris Harrison pops out from behind some rock and pulls Ben aside, head shaking, letting him know that he’s in a whole heap of trouble now. I can hardly wait to see how this pans out in a couple weeks but there’s no time for that now. It’s time for them to chug wine (those pours!) before heading to the fantasy suite. Side note:  How drunk did Ben look at all of the “dinners?” The girls would be talking and the camera would cut to him and it looked like he was going to fall over. All he did was mumble “yeahs” until they broke out that card. Then all of a sudden, he’d get with it.

Anyways, Jojo and Ben enjoy a little alone time and when they wake up, Jojo looks like she’s ready to shoot a national commercial. How is her hair so perfect!? Ben walks away from their date feeling excited, yet confused. The rest of us are filled with the sense of impending doom that is sure to come once he’s got to ditch one of these gals.

I’m pretty sure what comes next is a total set-up by the producers. Caila, like the eager little puppy she is, just cannot wait another minute to see Ben. You can tell she was in a hurry from that totally absurd and stupid outfit she’s wearing. Seriously, what in the f was that? Even Drew, who could give two f’s about style, was like “what is she wearing, she looks like a mormon who just decided to go for a work out but forget her sneakers.” Why was that jersey, draw-string skirt so long? What was up with that tie-dye sports bra/bathing suit? And then some random sandals. The whole thing looks like a mish-mash of crap from the Delia’s catalog. All she needed was a butterfly clip to complete the look (did she have a butterfly clip in? there’s a strong chance she did).

Caila sneaks up on Ben, who has now mastered the “looking off into space introspectively” thing for the cameras. He’s definitely filming the B-Roll that will accompany his dilemma dialogue before rose ceremony. But there’s no time for that, Caila is here and wants to play fetch.

She’s all excited and eager and he’s all, “so about that.” He realizes this is the perfect time to give her the boot and lets her know he’s just not that into her. Caila is obviously pissed since she rode all the way over here and was hoping for at least a game of frisbee. She goes from eager and joyful to passive aggressive and pissy in two seconds flat and wants Ben to tell her how long he’s known she wasn’t the one. “Forever” he starts to blurt out before getting control of his verbal diarrhea before letting her know that he did like her but he just likes the other two more. She stops off into the awaiting car and starts to drive away before flinging herself out one more time to really find out what happened. Again Ben let’s her know he’s just not that into her hair and that he just realized it after spending a little more quality time with the other girls. This is clearly all a lie but she buys it, tells him she’ll really miss him all while Ben tries to stuff her back into the van.

She’s banging on the car as it drives away as Ben wipes his brow in relief.

###

At the rose ceremony, Lauren and Jojo arrive and both tell CH about Ben’s love confession. After dropping them off at the bottom of the stairs of some rickety ass house, he shakes his head in disapproval. Gah Ben. You’ve really got yourself into a pickle that no amount of fireworks or Neil Lane jewels can fix.

The girls anxiously await Caila and fill the awkwardness with random small talk. Ben FINALLY appears and gives them their roses. Then shit gets really weird. They’re all standing there drinking champagne and hugging and I wonder aloud if Ben will make his dreams come true and convince them to become sister-wives. Instead they give competitive toasts and chug champs. HOW FULL ARE THOSE GLASSES? Can they just leave already? They really saved the most secondary embarrassment for the end on this one.

Next week, it’s going down with the Women Tell All and I can’t wait for the fury that will be unleashed on Olivia. “Come at me bro” indeed.

Until next time… stay tuned!