You guys, I had a reality television emergency last night. When we moved, we got new cable boxes. Welp, I forgot to set my ‘The Bachelor’ recording to number one priority immediately upon moving. Last night, when I went to start it around 8:40, I realized I had made this critical error. After I moved through stages of anger, frustration and regret – I resigned myself to the fact that I was s**t out of luck and would have to start my Monday ritual in the middle of that Mexico City cooking date fiasco.

So basically what I’m trying to say is –  my recap is going to be piss poor this week. I totally missed that whole Amanda waking up looking like a Disney princess part (saw that on Kathy Lee & Hoda this morning – thank god for a TV in my office) and her hot air balloon date (such a strong Bachelor move). I also missed any other Olivia antics that happened up until the point where she claimed Ben faster than a third grader in an epic battle of Musical Chairs. For that part, I am somewhat thankful.

My Bachelor Monday started off kinda groggy, like the girls when Ben woke them all up at 4:30 in the morning. I get going on the group date with Jubilee and Olivia passive aggressively battling for Ben’s hand as they paired off for a cooking challenge. I thought Jubilee might reach down and smack Olivia’s hand (and secretly wished she would have) or at least shock it a little to loosen the grip. But we all know that Olivia is 10 shades crazier than any other chick on this show and she will kill a bia before she lets them near “her man.”

Jubilee should take this as a blessing in disguise though since she gets to hang with resident cutie-pie, Lauren B. They, along with the rest of the pairs, head off on a scavenger hunt to find the ingredients for their dishes. Lots of lost in translation moments are had but the focus is, obviously, on Olivia and her attempts to blow her rancid breath in Ben’s face. Ben’s all, ‘Woah Nelly’ and makes Olivia eat a whole slew of things to eliminate her doodie breath. First up tequila, when that doesn’t work, it’s peppers and finally he’s all like, “there is literally nothing to improve this mess but a straight up sprig of mint.” So he shoves that plant down her throat and finally settles in for the rest of the date.

While Ben tries fight halitosis, the rest of the girls hunt down their items while complaining loudly about Olivia and her stupid one-on-one time with Ben. Not sure why they don’t all team up and sabotage her but they don’t and instead head to the kitchen to get their cook on. Ben loves seeing the girls in the kitchen because, you know, he needs a woman who knows her way around the kitchen. Which, after seeing the finished product, will not be Olivia. Who else hit that 15 second button when the lady judge told the guy, “This looks like dog food.”

Ben and Olivia fail miserably while Lauren B. and Jubilee kill it. Other than those four, the only girl that stood out was the remaining twin (is it Emily? or Hayley? I’m not 100% sure). She seems like a small child in the kitchen but I find it mildly entertaining and dare I say, endearing in that “bless her heart” kind of way.

So to  make a long story short, Olivia proved to be the winner and everyone else, including those food judges, lost… in a big way.

It’s on to the cocktail party, where Olivia continues to remind us why she is seriously The Worst. Ben can barely finish his intro toast (did he finish it? I’m not convinced that was a full sentence) before she grabs him for some one on one time. As they walk to a secluded nook, I use the wide camera angle to judge the severity of her cankle situation. Meh – Not as bad as I expected frankly.

The rest of the cocktail party involves the girls devising a plan to take down Olivia. You’d think Jubilee would have been on that but instead it’s that twin that does all the leg work (pun intended – i am a loser). But before we get to that cry fest, Ben has a surprise in store for Jubilee. Turns out that her whole hot and cold act isn’t working for him anymore. Basically, she wants Ben to go out of his way to show his love and affection but it’s not like this is real life. Old dude is living in a world where ALL THE LADIES LOVE HIM. So if you’re not telling him every waking moment how into him you are, you’re falling behind.

Jubilee wants another chance to work it out and promises to open up more but Ben puts up the hand and is just like “shhhh don’t speak.” You know he means business when he immediately asks if she’d like him to walk her out. OUCH. That was way harsh Ty.

This leads Jubilee to cry about how unloveable she is while all America wishes they could reach through the screen, pat her on the back and let her know she’ll have a serious boyfriend before this show even reaches a national audience. (Is that true? I bet it is. Or is she the next Bachelorette? I see that as the most likely possibility.)

Back at the cocktail party,the rest of the girls get their time with Ben. And by time, I mean a few minutes of heavy petting and serious making out.  Lauren B. gets the most time with Ben taking her for a little stroll out on the streets where they make out awkwardly on a street corner (“Get a Room” I yell from my couch to no one in particular… it just had to be said). The rest of the girls catch on that Lauren B. is getting all the extra loving and thus, assume she’ll be snagging the group date rose. Instead, it goes to Olivia and the rest of them jump up, throw their hands in the air in frustration and storm out en masse. Okay, a girl can wish.

Instead they all sit, mouths agape, while Olivia smugly accepts her rose and then forces it into each girls face while shouting for them to “SMELL IT. SMELL THE SUCCESS.” Okay, okay I know I’m getting a carried away. But really, how did this happen? At least give the rose to Becca for God’s sake.

Last up is Lauren H. I’m sure Ben is wondering, like the rest of us, how Lauren H. is still around so this date is make or break time. I only half pay attention to this date because Lauren H.’s voice drives me nuts. Something about it just makes me want to grab two pillows and cover my ears. Anyways…

The date starts with the two playing dress up in a Mexico City store before learning that, SURPRISE! (was anyone surprised?) they’ll be participating in Mexican Fashion Week. Here’s where I was wishing for some kind of Bachelor/America’s Next Top Model cross over but Tyra was no where to be found so Lauren must learn to Smize on her own. Instead we get a super judgey Mexican boss lady who gives the duo the once over before establishing they are attractive enough to not ruin the show entirely.

They walk the runway, which Ben deems very “brave” before their dinner solo time. (Side note: how freaking cute was it when Ben winked at Lauren as they walked the runway, not going to lie, I swooned a little. I love a good wink.) The walking part was fine but the real bravery came during her one-on-one time with those models. Their dismissive looks alone would have crushed my spirit. But it’s dinner time now and there’s no super thin, gorgeous models around to ruin it.

Let’s all not pretend that this portion of the date is where Ben decides whether Lauren H. is a good kisser or not. Turns out she’s good at “opening up and sharing herself” so she avoids the friend zone for at least another week. Much to everyone’s surprise, she snags a rose. That’s all I’ve got for this date because it was really blah. Don’t act like you don’t agree.

The real juicy stuff is saved for the rose ceremony where the girls convince the twin to be the sacrificial lamb who they will send to the mountain to tell Ben that Olivia is ruining everything. “No you’ll be fine,” they tell her as she remembers how AWFULLY this has gone for every other girl in the history of the Bachelor to attempt this. Their motivational speech goes over well though, since Twin takes her marching orders with a convincing smile. The thing is, she can’t get through two sentences before turning into a blubbering mess. “Oh no” I shriek while scouting out the best place to hide my head into the couch like an ostrich. But this ends up working in her favor and Ben takes her warnings about Olivia’s horribleness to heart.

You can tell he doesn’t REALLY believe her though since he calls in Jojo for the real deal. She confirms twins story while also asking Ben to keep her in the loop and give her a heads up if he’s planning on breaking up with her mid-date. This all makes little to no sense to me but I don’t mind because Jojo seems cool. Ben promises not to blindside her (well at least not until hometowns) and their chat convinces Ben that Olivia really is the horrible swamp monster that the girls have been complaining about for the last three weeks. Horrible Swamp Monster is what I assume is the code name the girls have created for her but maybe that’s just me.

As each girl takes their turn sucking face with Ben and reaffirming their collective hatred for Olivia, the rest of them sit around and wait for Olivia to insult them. Her venom is especially rough on Amanda, the single mom who tells the group about her ex-husband’s lack of responsibility. Olivia, ever the sage, tells Amanda her real-life problems sounds like an episode of Teen Mom to which Amanda reaches across the table and smacks Olivia in the face. (Sorry I was having a lot of delusional moments this episode – Olivia does that to me.)

It’s Rose Ceremony time and here’s where I get pissed. JUST as Ben is about to get real (you know he’s going to get real when he interrupts CH, who clearly has been hitting the beaches during his time in Mexico, you don’t just interrupt CH for no reason), they throw out the “To Be Continued…” graphic as all of America’s over-served, wine drunk ladies in PJ’s collectively groan.

I cannot deal with a “to be continued…” after sitting through two hours (okay 1 hour and 20 minutes) of this nonsense. I need a clear conclusion (other than knowing Olivia “is not sweet! She’s a scum-sucking road whore, she ruined my life” sorry had to steal from Janis Ian on that one). Chris Harrison, don’t do this to us.

So yeah, we’ll be waiting another week to figure out that Ben really isn’t letting Olivia go. He’s just going to tell her to get her shit together or suffer the consequences (or something like that). Either way, team #LaurenB all the way.

What did you all think of this week’s hot mess express? Can you tell the difference between Jojo and Amanda (and don’t say one has kids)? How is Leah still on this show? Who is that dark haired girl that keeps showing up on group dates? So many questions, so much Olivia blocking out the view.

Until next time… stay tuned.