There is no better way to start this post than to raise a glass (cup of coffee, starbucks cup full of wine, work desk champagne – what your job isn’t that cool?) to the producers. We’re only three episodes in and their work is on track to be their best ever. Or as they would say, ‘The most shocking, exciting, embarrassing, loosest and ridiculous season of The Bachelor in the history of mankind.” Better right?
A trip to Costco, a roll in one of those giant inflatable balls, more blacked out butt than anyone could have ever imagined AND Jimmy Kimmel? What more could a girl ask for? Oh, a collection of poolside headpieces, a little crazy crying, milking a goat and crashing a wedding – it’s all too much.
Figuring out my favorites from last night’s smorgasbord is proving harder than I expected but here we go.
* Jimmy Kimmel. Can Jimmy come back and play every week? From implementing the amazing jar to spending some QT in the hot tub with Chris and Kaitlyn, Jimmy was en fuego last night. Love that he sat in between Chris and Kaitlyn at dinner, love that he made them get enough ketchup to fill the hot tub and absolutely loved that he made them feel even more awkward any opportunity he got.
I don’t have enough time to wax poetic on the greatest of Kimmel on The Bachelor but here’s hoping he makes some more cameos. I feel like he could do some great work on a Mackenzie/Chris date. Just think of the Kale jokes. It’s almost too good to be true. Producers, please please pretty please make it happen.
* Jillian and the case of the Blacked Out Butt. I don’t want to write too much about Jillian because frankly, her shoulder strength scares the hell out of me. She’s also a journalist so I feel like she has the mindset and the sheer strength to find and assault anyone that goes too far.
But what the what is with that black out bar on her butt? That thing hasn’t gotten this much screen time since Naked Lucky graced our TV sets. At least Lucy was going all-out and we knew what was behind that little black bar. Jillian’s booty bar is a mystery. Is it just a little cheek hanging out? Surely not. Jordan suggested it’s a hairy booty so maybe that’s it. The other girls just talk about how her child size shorts (athletic, denim, bathing suit) can’t contain that rump shaker. All I know is that it’s going to be getting more screen time next week unless we head to the mountains or something (although who knows – I feel like I’ve seen stranger things on this show than shorts on a snowy day). This needs to be a discussion point on The Women Tell All.
* Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn may be my favorite contestant since Michelle Money (who was my favorite contestant since Erica Rose). Yup, I said it.
Yes, she tends to try a little too hard to be the chill, cool girl but that hair, that perfect shade of red lipstick, that cute as hell norm core crop top. I was sold.
During the Jimmy Kimmel third wheel date, for the first time in Bachelor watching history (sorry it rubs off), I wanted to jump through the screen, pull up a chair and hang out (but leave just in time to miss that hot tub make-out sesh). She may be a little much but at least she’s not crying and getting all weird every chance she gets. She also doesn’t talk in a baby voice, have a kid with a weird name or dress like a hybrid Disney princess/Kardashian.
* Speaking of Jasmine (still don’t know her real name – I think it may be Ashley), there are so many things that bother me about this boo bear. I have a weird thing about hands and her nails really freak me out. I would have never noticed them if it wasn’t for her wiping away her tears every second with her perfectly square, white chiclet size nails.
And then there was the comment about how she was going to get dolled up like a Kardashian for the cocktail party that never was. And then the headpiece. And then the crying. This girl is one lady secondary embarrassment wrecking ball.
It is also absolutely clear that this chick wouldn’t last one minute on a farm in Iowa. But she would kill it at a Broadway showing of Disney’s Aladdin.
You’re welcome (and shout out to Lynsey for sending me these gems).
* Farm Olympics. This date was almost an exact replica of a date they did on, I think, Ben’s season. I definitely remember some sort of contest that involved milking an animal and drinking the warm, fresh milk (how much did that sentence just gross you out?).
Either way, props to the producer’s for running this one back. I loved the additional live animal action. Nothing like a bunch of girls dressed as their favorite version of Daisy Duke chasing around a bunch of chickens, goats and, best of all, pigs.
All I saw were a bunch of off-the-shoulder shirts, ribbon-tied side braids and denim shorts playing farm games. Oh that and Jillian’s blacked out booty.
Big sads though to the chick that laid the Golden Egg and didn’t get that rose.
So yeah there you have it, my five favorites from last night. I realize that this totally skips any talk of the wedding crashers, Whitney’s baby voice (but way pretty wedding crashing ‘fit), Mackenzie’s true age (it’s 13 by the way), the INSANE amount of kissing (seriously SO SO SO much kissing) and the no name gals that went to the limo of shame this week.
We’re getting down to a more manageable number so you know some trips are in our near future. We all know that traveling really brings out the crazy in these gals so I’m excited for what’s in store.
Until next time… stay tuned.