I don’t think we all do enough to thank The Bachelor for making our Mondays so much more entertaining. So here is a collective THANK YOU from all of us to ABC for the laughs, the embarrassment, the cattiness and hair styling tips. No really, those hair styling tips really do come in handy long past Monday for this snarky hair-challenged gal. I’d go on the show for the sole purpose of figuring out how to utilize this mop more efficiently.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, how ’bout them princess wars last night? Who knew a Cinderella promotional tie-in would bring so much jealousy to Casa Chris? It really brought out a special kind of crazy in Ashley I. But it also brought us all closer to the gal my husband (and apparently boyfriends, husbands other random guys) has been drooling over since randomly spotting her in the crowd. Seriously though, it seems like every significant other is obsessed with her despite the fact that she has had a total of two minutes of screen time since the show started. Impressive work Jade.

On to the top five moments…

1. Ashley I. Nothing like a princess date to bring out the crazy in this Disney loving delusional diva. But I’m going to save that special breed of crazy for it’s own line item. Instead I am choosing to focus on everything else she did to act a fool last night.

Up first is the super weird way she felt that she needed to let Chris know about her virginity. Look, if you want to tell him you’re a virgin, get down with your chaste self. No shame. Clearly Becca hasn’t been up at night wondering how she’s gonna break it to him. She’s just like, yeah I’m a virgin, what?

Side note: TWO VIRGINS! ON THIS SHOW!?! IT’S A MODERN MIRACLE! 

Jasmine, on the other hand, feels the need to have a panic attack every time a camera comes close to her, whining about how she’s going to tell Chris that she’s not what she seems to be. Well yeah, when you wear enough make-up to keep the cast of Cats going for a week, wear about six layers of fake hair, dressing in as few clothes as possible and then taking your top off while swimming, it may give off a different vibe. But hey, who am I to judge?

That whole sneaking into his tent thing was just annoying. Like seriously, let the guy sleep. It’s bad enough that he has to sleep on the ground without you coming in, waking him up and telling him basically nothing.

And enough with the crying already. She throws more tantrums than my four-year old and that’s saying something. How her eyelashes stay in place is a mystery I’ll never know.

2. Speaking of mysteries, it looks like we’re going to have to wait until the Women Tell All special to find out the Mystery of Jillian’s Black Bar. Honestly, I was hoping that they would put a real life black bar of duck tape over her mouth during that dinner date.

But let’s start at that obstacle course, those other chicks didn’t stand a chance. This was the moment Jillian had been waiting for and it was time for her to literally, flex on those girls. Poor Britt tried to keep up but we all knew she would fail miserably. Props to the other gals for throwing in the towel early.

It turns out though that everyone lost on that date since it looked like dinner with Jillian was similar to what it must be like to be locked in a room with a Vegan Crossfit athlete. Poor Chris looked like he wished she would just throw him off the balcony and put him out of his misery. I was half-hoping that he’d just lean across the table, cover her mouth with his hand and say, “I’m sorry but you’ve just got to go.” Basically that’s what happened, we just had to listen to her blabber on about her lack of a five year plan, well I mean other than winning at least 46 fitness competitions. Hey, did you all know her Mom did fitness competitions? Her dad doesn’t even really like sports but then she was in DC and didn’t have any friends and just started training and then she entered a competition… Yeah, good call Chris. That date was MIZZ.

3. Camp Anawanna. I wish this date had as much character as an episode of Salute Your Shorts but alas it was just a group of pampered white girls trying to keep their hair from getting wet. While Kelsey whined about how this date sucked compared to Michigan, the rest of the girls raced to see who could get naked first. Obviously Jasmine won and waved around her American flag bikini like a senior on spring break in Panama City.

My girl Kaitlyn also dabbled in some nudity but I can’t hate on her because for some reason she has stolen my heart and therefore I think she can do no wrong. Also, we discovered that she has another pretty rad tattoo under her arm. She also looked effortlessly cool at the camp fire and threw out some funny commentary on the Ashleys. Then she snagged that rose because Chris is obviously as in love with her as I am (did I just type that out loud). All in all a great night for my best Bachelor gal.

Come on now though, what’s the deal with Kelsey? At first she seemed pretty legit but this week her story is taking a big arch. I’m pretty excited to see the manipulative, phony baloney side of her. We need some good drama to take shape.

4. On the drama front, looks like some could be brewing between Britt and Kaitlyn (#TeamKaitlyn). We all know that Britt has been told what a beautiful sparkling unicorn she is her entire life and now that she’s not the only gal in town, she’s getting all butt hurt (read: possessive and crazy). Who knew that she had such a problem with Chris rewarding Kaitlyn’s awesomeness.

That cocktail party sit down with Chris could have been the end of the road for this big haired beauty (that braid was pretty awesome). Instead he made her wait for that warning rose or as I refer to it, the “keep your crazy under control” rose.

Not going to lie, I’m happy she stayed because I’m in this Bachelor fantasy game (hey Teddi!) and I’ve got her in my top five so I’m going to need her to hang around for a while longer.

5. Cinderella Moment. Well hey there Jade! It’s so good to finally meet you. Your hotness had long been foretold but the splendor of your beauty was just unfurled to us in your fairytale moment.

Shout out to that pink haired stylist with the movie clips, treasure trove of Louboutins, some Neil Lane diamonds (can’t wait to see that tan gem of a man again soon) and a rack of sparkly dresses. All of the above is enough to make a Bachelor contestant lose her one track mind. Throw in a girl with a high-level delusion about being a real life Disney princess and you’re gearing up for some pandemonium.

I honestly thought Jasmine might run in there and go all ugly step-sister on Jade’s ass. Just ripping dresses, throwing earrings, walking out of there wearing one glass slipper. It would have made for some good TV. Instead we all just got a dose of the sads watching Jasmine, clad in the “Princess Dress” she packed for this exact date, eat corn of the cob while washing down her shame with a glass of Champagne (which it turns out is the best way to wash down shame on this show). Thankfully she didn’t get too much corn juice (what a disgusting word combo) on that sparkly number since she broke it out for the cocktail party.

Back to Jade though. This little Nebraska sweetie is now my front runner. So she did a little “modeling” in Playboy. How else is a small town girl living in a lonely world supposed to make it? She’s a cutie and I like her. Chris, and his sisters for that matter, is a smitten kitten too. So she better watch out because I’m guessing Britt is going to start shaming her in no time.

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So there you have it, my top five moments from last night’s weekly dose of daddy issues. I’m going to miss that Ashley S. (although I’m pretty sure she was just acting this whole time, acting and drinking all the champagne) and Jillian’s black bar of shame. What were some of your favorite (or least favorite) moments? What other cringe-worthy parts did I miss?

Until next time… stay tuned!