Man oh man, I sure did miss that two-on-one date. I feel like it’s been shelved for the last couple seasons only to make a roaring comeback. Hats off to you producers, there was never a better time to bring it back.

Before going any further, I feel like a small disclaimer might be needed. So most Mondays, I cozy up on the couch and we settle in for two solid hours of couples snarking. Some people go on dates, some go out to dinner, me and my husband – we enjoy getting being judge-y about The Bachelor after a hearty Mexican meal (Mexi-Mondays, duh). It’s our thing. It’s also the time when I steal about half of my jokes/quality snark. So if I come up short today, you know why.

But I feel like the timing couldn’t have been any better because even my four-year old could come up with some solid commentary on last night’s sh*t show. Even my best gal Kaitlyn got in on the tears, we’re half way there and we’re losing girls to insecurity and doubt like flies. Speaking of flies, they’ve got to be swarming around Britt’s laundry bag at this point. Can someone wash her socks for her please?

I could go on but let’s just jump in to the top five. But first did you guys know that the Badlands is a perfect place to fall in love? You could easily shoot one week in a garbage dump in New Jersey and they’d be claiming it was a spot for lovers. Either way, it’s on…

1. The Rose Ceremony. Samantha we hardly knew ye. And McKinzie, we’ll be sad to see you go back to high school. The “Most Likely to be on a Reality TV Show” is just waiting for you to claim it.

Even worse than having to say goodbye to Kale’s momma was having to witness the madness that was Kelsey’s mental breakdown/voodoo mind trick. And then that laugh. I’m recommending the CIA or anyone else who interrogates terrorists to record that and create a loop. Play that and they’ll be talking in no time.

On the bright side, in between breathing treatments we learned that the brownies are store bought and she only gets her “girls” out when a rose is on the line. I really didn’t understand the term sociopath until I watched this season, so thanks for that Kelsey.

2. Big and Rich. These guys just can’t get enough of reality TV, huh? First, Celebrity Apprentice. Then Celebrity Apprentice again and now The Bachelor. Switching networks but still willing to shed every last shred of dignity for 10 minutes of camera time.

So instead of wrangling with Trump, the country stars picked a more formidable fake hair foe in Britt. I mean, we could talk about the other girls and all of their piss-poor attempts at song writing (and Chris’ piss-poor attempts at validation) but really, this was Britt’s date.

We knew there had to a concert lurking in this guest appearance somewhere, so once Chris caught a wiff of Britt’s scent, he was dragging her across town to see his “favorite” country band (Hey Chris, it’s 2014 – time to find a new favorite country artist. I hear The Band Perry is recruiting new fans).

Britt doesn’t like country music but she does like lots of unmerited attention so being on stage was a real hoot. Chris just likes getting covered in red lipstick and riding a fake pony on stage, so this date was a winner for both of them.

Not so much for the rest of the girls who got the unique opportunity to wallow in their inadequateness while Britt ran off with their man. But hey, at least they know they didn’t get the rose.

3. Megan. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. This girl is great. So great that I think she may be the unsung hero of this season. Always ready to break up an awkward silence or gives us a little laugh when we’re so desperately in need of one, Megan is really doing us a solid this season. That confused little “where are we” grin still hasn’t got old and I’m going to need some more side commentary from her next week.

4. The Two-On-One. This was a real battle royale. Jasmine and Kelsey have been providing their own brand of crazy all season but now was the time for them to go head-to-head. Both overly confident, both totally delusional, one with a penchant for over exaggeration, one who may or may not kill us all in our sleep.

One thing that’s truly great about the two-on-ones is how the producers stage these dates in the middle of nowhere. Remember the classic two-on-one from Ali’s season where Kasey “Guard and Protect Your Heart” went up against that crazy professional wrestler? Yeah that one was in the middle of a glacier. This time instead of a frozen tundra, the producers just dumped these three in the badlands and told them to figure it out.

And figure it out they did. Kelsey threw on her favorite circa-2006 Chico’s short sleeve blazer while Jasmine opted for her all-black geanie outfit (belly-button ring and all). Game faces on, they boarded the last helicopter to Clarksville to find out who’d get sent home.

Both girls sink their tongues into Chris but in a wonderful moment of clarity, he realizes that there’s no way in hell he’s spending the rest of his life with either of these nut jobs (even if they both do have their Master’s Degrees – who knew?). So after letting Jasmine down gently into a pool of her own tears, he confronts a giddy Kelsey and tells her that no faux panic attack can save her from her one-way ticket back to Michigan.

No limo of shame here. These bias are left out in the desert while Chris hops back on his helicopter and into the waiting arms of Britt.

I know I am just glossing over all the good stuff but I’d be here for days if I tried to go in depth on the crazy of both Jasmine and Kelsey. Let’s just say that I’d rather ride ‘It’s a Small World’ with Jasmine all day than spend one minute with that Kelsey. I’m honestly not sure how we avoided some sort of crime of passion during her time on the show.

Poor Jasmine doesn’t know what she’s going to do now that her life-long goal of moving to Iowa to farm is dead. Thank god she’s still young and has her whole life ahead of her.

5. Now What? No really, what’s going to happen now. I’m pretty sure that if you go back and watch the preview, every epic, most dramatic moment ever has already happened. So I guess we just all have to pack up, go to Iowa and see how these girls enjoy barns, cows, farming and Friday night football.

I mean Carly has a little of that crazy look in her eye, we all know Britt has something hidden in those hair extensions and well, Jade posed for Playboy. But all of that pales in comparison to the Kelsey/Jasmine show. Jasmine’s fake eyelashes had more drama in them than all of the girls combined. And Kelsey’s story was so amazing

Thankfully my chicky Kaitlyn is around to look cute, throw in some jokes and just generally be awesome. Oh and Whitney is still holding it down for Louisville. You go Whit.

Did you survive the most shocking, insane, mind-numbing, dramatic episode in the history of modern television? If so, you get a rose and an invitation to live tweet with me next week cause I have a feeling it might be a little boring.

Until next week… stay tuned!