Chris Harrison has been shoving the superlatives down our throats all season so I had high hopes coming in to the most explosive, insane, dramatic, romantic, tense Women Tell All of all time. Those high expectations were not meant. Anyone else feel the same way?
My lack of excitement is directly proportionate to the lack of new secondary embarrassment. I already knew Britt was an overdramatic cry baby just like I already knew that Kaitlyn looked banging in a crop top.
Either way, just like Chris Harrison has a job to do, I’ve still got to come strong with my five favorites from last night. So without further ado…
* Party Crashing. I know that for most of you, this might be when you just fast-forwarded through straight to the catty bitchiness but I love this s**t. They’re probably staged or at least pre-planned all the pop-ins but I don’t care. I freaking love seeing all the chickies get hype to paw at (and pour wine down the throats of) the dynamic Chris & Chris duo.
When that one mom kissed Chris Soules on the mouth, I couldn’t help but catch myself grinning. And then things got really crunk when that one party started passing the bottle around. Can a girl get an invite?
* Britt. Can someone let this girl know that there are not enough tears to get her cast as the next Bachelorette? Now i’m sure there is a spot available for her on Bachelor in Paradise but America cannot take 10+ weeks of this girl. Hit the showers Britt. No really, go take a shower.
Seriously though, that long hug with Chris. So annoying. Let it go girlfriend, he’s moved on. The over exaggerated crying. So annoying. I will give her props for calling Carly out but otherwise I’ve had enough of this one. I also have a personal hatred for any yelling and talking over one another on television so her segment had me reaching for the mute button.
* The Still Unsolved Mystery of Jillian’s Black Bar. If there was one question I was looking for the answer to on this special, it was the mystery behind Jillian’s booty black bar. What was so offensive that every time the girl was on screen, it needs to be blacked out? It seems like this one will stay truly unsolved. I heard one of them say her butt was really hairy and that’s truly gross (can’t you wax that?) but I feel like it came as an aside and not as a real answer.
In other news, we did get to see her get all riled up, standing up and threatening to bunch press people (wait did I make that up?) which CH quickly shut down. Love that guy.
* Krazy Kelsey. We may not know what’s lurking under that black bar but we do know that Kelsey is hella crazy. We also know that she hasn’t grown out her ‘Courtney Cox in the Friends pilot‘ haircut. Oh girl, please please grow that out. It’s not a good look. The Delia’s catalog called and it needs that look back on page 15 STAT.
I kind of feel bad for her husband’s family – having to watch her be all weird and crazy while dropping their son’s name. Watching her and Ashley I. battle it out for the 97th time was a little old though. I think we all know these girls are not ever meant to be in the same place at the same time. But it’s a good look for Ashley I. though because she looks almost normal compared to Kelsey’s crazy ass.
* Kaitlyn. MY GIRL. When is The Bachelorette announcement coming? I don’t even care if Chris picks Whitney or Becca – I only care if my girl Kait (we’re cool like that now) is cast on next season. Imagine the great matching sets, inappropriate jokes and perfectly selected lipstick. It’s going to be good stuff and you know they’d cast her some serious hotties.
On a real note, I did feel bad for her and the fact that she got no closure with Chris (I cannot believe I just typed out that sentence, I’ve hit a new low). You know she put on that hot little white number to show him what he’s missing. Don’t worry girl, he’ll be missing you every time he tunes in to the most dramatic, exciting, sexy, funny and romantic season of The Bachelorette.
Last night’s special was really more about the stuff we didn’t get to see. I would have loved to figure out who Samantha was and how she lasted so long. I was also hoping for some more one-on-one time with funny Meghan. Last but certainly not least, I’m 100% convinced that the super crazy Ashley is putting on a show. That shit is not real.
Next week it’s game time. If for nothing else, you should tune in to see Neil Lane take his first trip to Iowa. Until next week… stay tuned!