Yesterday was a serious Monday. It started to waking up with a tree that had fallen half in our yard/half on our house and continued on with a series of ‘only on a Monday’ mishaps. So you can bet I was READY for a solid two hours of getting lost in Bachelorette drama with the help of a studio audience of judgey gals and my boy Chris Harrison.
I will say that the Men Tell All was, by far, the highlight of my Monday but it did not exceed (or really even meet) expectations. I had some high hopes for this get together but all in all, it was a bit of a snooze fest. If it wasn’t for a heaping dose of Chris Harrison and some QT with resident cutie Ben H., it might have been a wash.
Here’s my top five high (and low) lights.
* Three words: Bachelor in Paradise. Gah, I love Bachelor in Paradise. It combines my love for old-school reality show Paradise Hotel with all the madness of the Bachelor franchise. It is reality show perfection. Crazy, confusing, a little strange, a little slutty and a lot of late summer fun. You know where you’ll find me parked on Sunday August 2nd. Drew and I are already picking favorites. His: Jade (obvi). Mine: It’s a tie – Jonathan and Tanner.
Claire is back too so you know there will be a lot of “I’m here for love” chatter which really just is code for “I’m here for a good time” which is code for “let’s have sex on the beach.” Ashlee I. will be there and I’m betting she tries to hook up with every guy from Kaitlyn’s season. I also bet that she looses one of her chiclet acrylic nails daily (those things are gross and weird. so so square). Did you see the part where she talked about wanting to lose her virginity to Jared? That pretty much sums this show up. If you haven’t watched BiP (yes, I just did that) before, I suggest you fire up your margarita machine, sit down on the couch and get lost in this madness.
* Tanner. Can someone start a slow clap for Tanner?
This guy flew under the radar most of the time as a the season’s resident nice guy. He came strong in Ireland when, like the rest of the viewing audience, he wondered aloud how he was still on the show. He followed up that solid performance with a great showing at last night’s Men Tell All. When he shut down Corey (with an E. Can someone remind me who the other Cory was?), I gave him a solid ‘You Go Glen Coco’ from my couch. Granted, it seemed less weird when I thought Drew was still awake (or did it). But then I realized he’d fallen asleep a good 20 minutes before hand so I continued watching on in silence, save the dinging from my Bachelorette group text (holla Shannon and Creechie).
Here’s hoping Tanner makes a cameo on Ben H.’s upcoming season of The Bachelor (oh c’mon, like there’s any other choice. Stop trying to make fetch happen Arie). I’m thinking he could be there for that early season, narrow down the girls, episode. Let’s make it happen producers.
Kaitlyn’s Ice-Skating Costume. Kaitlyn’s style is normally on point but last night’s outfit was giving off some serious Canadian Ice Skating team vibes. Girlfriend has a banging body, great hair and a talent for picking the right lipstick every time but that dress was a miss in my book. I’ll give her a pass though because she might have been trying to distract from…
The Slut Shaming Segment. Totally get what they were trying to do here. You know, “putting the haters on blast” and all (that’s what the kids are calling it now right?) but it seemed a little gratuitous. Cheers to Chris Harrison and ABC for calling the media (*cough * Us Weekly * cough) out on their biased coverage of Kaitlyn’s antics. But let’s not act like ABC hasn’t been promoting her fantasy suite time a little more than the fellas’. Either way, I’m glad those twitter trolls got called out because it’s one thing to make fun of her ice-skating attire and it’s another thing entirely to go after people that viciously. Also, death threats? Are people serious? You have WAY too much time on your hands/you are totally unhinged if you are making death threats about a girl having a little fun on reality tv. Get a life people.
Also, gotta love the studio audience and suitors standing ovation for Kaitlyn. If you didn’t want to give her a big ole hug after that segment, you may have grinch heart (and I would know because I’ve been known to have one).
Ian. Can we all agree that this guy is the worst? I’ve already gone on, and on, and on, about how pompous and annoying he is and then he goes and apologized for being all pompous and annoying in the most pompous and annoying way.
It’s like he can’t even say sorry without being a giant turd. We get it, you like being in the spotlight and the center of attention but did you really have to go to the middle of the stage and get down on one knee?
Ugh even Chris Harrison was all like “really, dude?” which I loved. Ian, you’re not the next Bachelor and I don’t even think you made Bachelor in Paradise so can you just please go away forever now?
Oh and I just remembered when Tanner shut down Ian with that Princeton slam. Just when I thought Tanner couldn’t get any better.
So that was my top five but there was definitely a lot left out.
* The JJ/Clint segment and Kaitlyn’s comment about being jealous of the attention Clint showed JJ.
* Ben Z. getting some hot seat time and showing why we’d love for him to be the Bachelor if it wasn’t for Ben H.
* Corey. No one has ANY idea who you are. For the love of god, please stop talking.
* Kentucky Joe’s outfit. I see you in those loafers Joe.
* The Nick drama. Can’t we all just be done with that already?
Also where was Cupcake’s time in the spotlight. I definitely thought that sweet little dentist would get more screen time.
What did you all think of the Men Tell All? More importantly, who do you think wins next week? Seriously, leave your pick in the comments. I really want to know.
Until next time (the season FINALE OF THE MOST DRAMATIC SEASON IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD)… stay tuned.
Images and videos: ABC