The Women Tell All can usually be counted on for some solid zingers, a good blooper real and a little insight on who will be appearing on my favorite summer treat, Bachelor in Paradise. Last night was kind of meh though. Was it just me or do you think so too? I wanted a little more sass, a little more cat fighting, a few more montages of Olivia being horrible. All we got was some seriously overdone eye make-up and some forced crying. I, for one, was not impressed.
I was happy though to finally get some solid face time with Chris Harrison. CHRIS – Buddy! Where have you been all my life? All that chatter about being besties with Ben. Could have fooled me. While Ben was tackling a season full of ladies you were off hitting the links, enjoying cocktails and apps in your in-room hot tub and partying with the locals. Ben needed you for some bro catch-up sessions. Maybe then he would have talked through his feelings and avoided telling two gals that he loves them. But that’s neither here nor there. Jojo and Lauren B. are holed up somewhere far away from this soundstage in LA. It’s time we focus on the other 28 gals.
I’m going to break last night’s two hour bitch sesh into two categories – the Pros and Cons. Gotta keep it short to rest up for next week’s marathon finale. I’ll be carb loading and tapering my workouts until then.
- Sheila the Chicken. At first I thought Sheila would be a con but her combination of great manners and great timing made for a welcome addition. I also thoroughly enjoyed every time I caught ‘whatever her owners name is’ stroking her in the background. It reminded me a little of Dr. Evil except with beachy extensions and a faux-tan. Sheila knew what was up. She also knew that Lace needed a little extra love at one point. You go Sheila.
- Lace. I want to hate on Lace for being crazy and weird but I have to applaud her for being totally self-aware. She’s working through her crazy while also looking good. Love the shorter hair, strong dress choice and ability to laugh at herself. Lace – I welcome you with open arms to the Bachelor in Paradise family and look forward to seeing you fall off the wagon in Mexico.
- The Twins. The twins brought it last night. Not only were they aggressive as hell towards Olivia but they looked FAR better than they ever did on the show. Not sure what it is (maybe a new moisturizer or foundation) but their skin looked much better. They also had the girls out to play. And this line “And I wore a romper because, whatever, I looked good,” was tremendous. Hey, they may not be rocket scientists (who is?) but they know when its appropriate to rock a teeny romper. They also know that they are shoo-ins for Bachelor in Paradise and wanted to make sure everyone in America met the other sets of twins coming to play (if ya know what I mean).
- Jamie. That’s her name right? I honestly hardly remember her from this season but she sure was getting hers last night. That yellow jumpsuit was almost as aggressive as her attitude toward Jubilee. I wasn’t mad though. We needed someone to bring it last night and it seemed like Jamie and the twins (oh and that pretty girl from Miami) were the only ones who weren’t scared. Jamie – you really put in some serious work towards securing a spot on BP.
- The Blooper Real. The bloopers never disappoint. Even when they’re less than stellar, I still get a solid laugh or two out of them. The bugs alone provide comedy for days. That photog falling in the mini jacuzzi clip needs to be submitted to America’s Funniest Home Videos. Carlton will love that s**t.
- Ben. Ben is a cutie patootie. He can’t help it. He may be a little over coached but he’s just the cutest. So cute that I’m willing to look past those tight short shorts he wore all season. Why didn’t that garner more discussion? Also, I kind of loved when Amanda, Becca and Caila all noted that they were encouraged by Ben that there are good guys out there. Aw gals, I bet Ben has some friends he can introduce you to.
- Amanda. Other than the fact that she uttered the line, “Being a mom is my jam,” which should be noted is firmly in the con category, Amanda was an all-around gem last night. Gracious and gorgeous, Amanda didn’t wallow in not winning Ben’s heart since she knows she’s about to scoop some rich hottie in no time. Plus Amanda snuck in the only dig at Ben’s coochie cutter shorts. We all know she won’t be the next Bachelorette but here’s hoping US Weekly or Radar Online keeps us posted on her quest to find love.
- Becca Getting ZERO Screen Time. This may have been a pro for me but it was a serious con for D3 (if you haven’t been paying attention, Becca is my five-year-old son’s one true love, you know, up until this point). Did the producers even know she was there? She got that front and center seat but Chris Harrison all but ignored her, the producers left her out of almost every montage and she essentially a non-entity. Girlfriend made it to the final five but they were all like, ‘Meh, we’re done with you.” Even Ben hardly acknowledged she was there. Way harsh Ty. Personally, I feel like Becca needs to go the Kacy B. route. Throw in the reality tv towel and go find some music producer or budding country music star to hitch your wagon to.
- Jumpsuits. Jumpsuits were so hot last night. Jamie, Jubilee, Olivia and Caila were all rocking them. Not my favorite look for the hot seat (where Lace really stole the show in that white number) but hey, do you ladies.
- The Twins’ Outfits. I know I said that the twins brought it but I should have specified that they brought it from the waist up. That velour dress looked like it was made out of curtain fabric from the leftovers of some demolished Vegas casino. And the other one looked like she was wearing something she borrowed from her mom. You can take the twins out of Vegas…
- That guy with the Lace tattoo. What the what was that? Okay, this was kind of a pro for me. For that guy (and his future’s) sake, I hope that tattoo is fake and the whole thing was a stunt. Either way, we got to see this (see below) and it was awesome (insert perfect hand emoji here).
- Jubilee’s posture. Why in God’s name was Jubilee sitting like a kid in the backseat sticking their head up in between the front seat of a car. The whole time she looked like she was in the middle of readjusting except she never did. It was like she was constantly in the pose of “Huh? Can you repeat that?” leaning in so she could hear better. It was distracting and kept me from really focusing on a lot of what she had to say.
- Jubilee. I get it, Jubilee had a really hard time growing up. I also get that she had a hard time adjusting to being on the show but at times it felt like Chris Harrison was going to scoop her up and rock her like a baby. She got treated with some serious kid gloves and only Jamie called her on acting like a giant brat on more than one occasion. I feel like ABC really wants us all to fall in love with Jubilee so she can be the next Bachelorette but I’m not feeling it. I anticipate a Jubilee as The Bachelorette season would be way too broody and melancholy with a lot of emotional breaks. I’d be much more inclined to see the twins work their way through a pool day at Rehab in Vegas than watch Jubilee go around the world being sad and distant. But that’s just me.
- Caila. You already know that Caila wears me out and last night was no exception. I was glad they didn’t spend as much time with her as I expected. Personally, I think she wears Chris Harrison out a little too. Which is why I think there’s no way she’s the next Bachelorette (but I’ll probably be wrong). While Jubilee would be like watching a season of Eeyore, Caila would be like watching an over eager puppy sniff her way through the dog park. Too much joy, too many racer back crop tops, WAY too much jumping into people’s laps. No one wants to carry you around Caila. Also, Caila – you have a ROCKING body. I get that you kept the crop tops in the closet for last night’s sit down but a little leg would have been more than welcome. Like that one twin said – if you got it, flaunt it cause “whatever, I look good.”
- Oliva. UGH. Olivia got let off the hook BIG TIME last night. All that fake crying, manipulative posturing and acting like the innocent victim made me want to push her. Acting like she had no idea that she was being a total bitch to literally, everyone was bulls**t. I’m surprised Chris Harrison let her get away with it. Every time she acted like the victim, I wanted them to cut to one of her cocky, obnoxious, in-your-face monologues where she basically calls everyone else fat losers. Props to the twins for being some of the only people who didn’t let her get away with it all.
I mean, I get it, people (yours truly included) on the internet are mean. But when you act like a total ass hat on national television, you can’t expect people to think you’re a charming angel just because you have blond hair, blue eyes and an attractive face. Forget all the talk about her bad breath and her cankles, Olivia acted like a clown the entire season and got called on it. The only reason she was crying is because it was the only way for people to temporarily forget about all the obnoxious things she said and did.
And if I hear one more person wallow on about how they were bullied so that’s why they act this way, I’m going to barf. That’s not an excuse. Everyone was bullied. It’s called middle school. I highly doubt Olivia underwent the kind of paralyzing bullying that plagues some kids and if she did, well then she should be especially ashamed of herself for how she acted towards some of the other girls. Sorry, Olivia I’m not buying the crying act. And here’s hoping this is the last we see of her. I can’t deal with her on a season of Bachelor in Paradise.
Sorry for that rant, can you tell I don’t like the gal.
So there you have it. My high and low lights from last episode’s two hour chat-fest. What were some of your highlights? Who was best dressed? Do you have as much irrational dislike for Olivia as I do?
Next week is big friends! THE FINALE! My money’s on Lauren.