Who says Mondays have to suck?
Bachelor Mondays are back and all is right with the world again.
Not sure what your watching situation is but mine is a family affair. Yes, feel free to get your judge on but I let my five-year-old watch with us. He usually makes it about 20 minutes before falling asleep and in those 20 minutes, he provides some of the strongest secondary embarrassment commentary. Quality over quantity people.
Speaking of D3 he is PUMPED that Becca is back. Ben, not so much, barely remembers the guy but Becca, Becca is his chick. He’s been pining over her since Farmer Chris’ season. So if she’s still a virgin in 15 years or so, Becca – I’ve got the guy for you.
So this season we’re following cutie Ben on his journey/quest/choose your own adventure for love. His broken heart has mended and he’s ready to put Kaitlyn in the past. Store her somewhere next to that barn they found in Indiana for Ben to shoot hoops on. Seriously, who seriously thinks Ben grew up as the kid from ‘Hoosiers?’
Ben prepares for his quest by stocking up on v-neck tees, shooting hoops in old fashioned baskets on barns and standing stoically next to tree – obviously waiting for them to take his senior picture. You know, for the Homecoming Parade. Duh.
After the producers convince us that Ben is actually from Indiana, it’s time to meet a few of the
crazies contestants women vying for Ben’s unlovable heart. These eligible bachelorettes include a relatively harmless flight attendant (spoiler alert: I like this Lauren), a wannabe model (did you all see that walk?) slash software sales gal from Boston and a ‘Chicken Enthusiast.’ I can’t make this stuff up people. When that chick (no pun intended, I promise) was brushing her teeth with a chicken on her shoulder, my face couldn’t hide it’s mix of disgust and shock.
It’s way too early to try to remember any of these girls names though so thankfully the producers don’t waste a lot of time on these pointless back stories and get straight to the limos. Quick question: Is there some sort of handbook the girls receive with tips on how to be the biggest douchebag at their grand entrance? So long are the girls and their false eyelashes exiting the limos full of sparkles, white teeth and pure enthusiasm. Now everyone is a comedian/weirdo. Unicorn masks, gigantic rose hats, hover boards and a miniature pony are only the beginning. What happened to wearing a low cut dress, a push-up bra and introducing yourself with a bleached white smile? I miss Emily Maynard.
The Opening Night (I feel like that needed to be capitalized) cocktail party has got to be one of the best parts of the season. These girls are subjected to at least eight hours of an open bar where they are free to confront all their insecurities while trying desperately to win the affection of one man. All while being filmed so millions of housewives can judge them while getting wine drunk on a Monday. Hilarity ensues… obviously.
There’s always that one girl that can’t just get drunk and fade quietly in to the background. This year it was Lace (don’t even get me started on that name) who immediately confirmed her crazy all while STILL getting a rose. You go Lace.
Some other highlights from the cocktail party:
* Rachel. Respect for laying it all out there and just telling it as it is. You’re unemployed and I appluad you for telling the truth over some totally absurd job title like “Free Spirit,” “Unicorn Tamer,” or as one of my fellow Bachelor fanatic friends said – “Antique Enthusiast.” Nope, Rachel doesn’t care about your judgement and for that, I’m already on her team. Did she get a rose? Honestly, I have no idea. But here’s hoping.
* Those Twins. For once I’m using that phrase and not referring to someone’s chest which feels like a victory in and of itself. We need that win because watching these wins is a loss for all humanity. Quick question: Are they a two-for-one like Jasmine and her sister on Bachelor in Paradise? Or do they count as individuals? I think they’re on their own but that hasn’t stopped them from speaking in unison literally every time they are on camera. Also, they are 22. I’m already ready for this gimmick to be over and we’re only an hour in.
* Amber and Becca. They’re baaaack! You may remember Amber from Bachelor in Paradise cause I know there’s no way in hell you remember her from Juan Pablo’s season. Amber is best known for her rocking body and great fashion sense (she always looks cute, gotta give credit where credit is due). Becca is best known for being the sweet virgin who made it to the finals in Farmer Chris’ season only to give him the brush off. Also, if you follow Becca on instagram, you’re probably shocked/confused about how different she looks in pictures. I mean I think she’s cute on the show but in pictures on insta she is a knock out. I understood the appeal after going on a shame spiral down her account.
* The Dentist. What was up with that flower? More importantly, why did she leave it on so long? Last but not least, why oh why did Ben let her examine him? I’m counting on this girl to bring some mild crazy – just enough to be funny but not enough to make us give her the heave-ho.
* So many Blondes. So many Laurens. I can’t keep them all straight. I’m thinking I’ll figure out who’s who around week six when they’re only like three of them left. My money’s on the blonde flight attendant Lauren.
* Cailia (does that second i belong in there?). She seems cute and normal which can only mean she’ll get sent home way before her time.
At the crack of dawn, the producers finally decide to pull the plug on this crazy parade and let Ben do the choosing. He keeps all the skinny blondes, gets rid of the majority of the brunettes (he kept Jenny from Miami – she’s a hottie), goes halfsies on the ombre haired girls and says see ya never to the ginger (welcome back to Louisville, we missed you!). He also keeps the craziest of all, Lace, to which every woman at home raised their wine glass in salute to Ben (and obvi the producers). Can’t wait to see what she gets mad at him about next week. It’s going to be the most dramatic moment in Bachelor history – I just know it! Hey, we need someone to tweet about next week. All the ‘magical journey’ and ‘this is amazing’ tweets get old after a few seasons.
Thankfully for my son, Becca makes it to week two so I don’t have to break any bad news to him in the morning. That would have been rough.
Here’s who I know will be back: Becca, Lace, Amber, Jubilee, Jami (she’s a cutie), the Mom of Two with good hair, Lauren, LB, Shushanna (she’s Russian right? Do we know if she speaks English?), the twins, Olivia, the dentist, Cailia and at least three other pretty girls in sparky sequin dresses.
Judging by the previews – there’s going to be a lot of drama (shocker), crying (double shocker), tongue kissing, helicopters (score!), hot tubs and tears. So many tears. It’s going to be dramatic, shocking, romantic (well at least kinda) and I couldn’t be more excited.
Gah, I’m excited this show is back.
Who’s your favorite so far? How do you feel about Ben’s haircut? Did you think all that talk about social media stalking was mildly creepy (you gotta keep that to yourselves gals)? What was your reaction to the chicken? Who has the cuter mini-horse? Chris Harrison or Lisa Vanderpump? Why was Chris Soules invited to the successful Bachelor Bro reunion and not my boy JP?
These are important questions and I need to hear what you think.
Until next week… stay tuned!