Last night’s episode of The Bachelor was boring. There I said it.
I get that Olivia makes for great television since she is totally delusional, absurdly absorbed and involved and utterly out of touch with reality but I didn’t sign up to watch two hours of it. Okay, so it wasn’t a full two-hours of Olivia but I certainly can’t be the only one who thinks it felt like it was a one-woman show. Hell, I’d rather watch the rest of the girls talk s**t about her than actually watch her anymore.
My gripes with Olivia are many (although they don’t include her supposedly fat toes and smelly breath), the most serious of which is her penchant for talking in the third person. What is with that? Also I’m pissed that she totally overshadowed the talent show. I love a good awkward talent show.
Anyways, so here’s the run down.
Chris Harrison shows up at the mansion (finally – where has CH been all my life?) and let’s the girls know that Ben has packed up and left their asses. The girls all momentarily freak out as CH bangs his head against the wall and mumbles “haven’t these idiots ever seen the show before” to himself. He composes himself quickly though and let’s the mass of Victoria Secret Pink catalog models know that he’s just down the road in the marriage capital of the world. The girls all look at CH quizzically to which he slaps his hand to his forehead before clarifying for them… he’s in Vegas. Cue the screaming.
The girls pack up their bikinis, jean shorts and PINK! sweatpants for their first road trip to Las Vegas. They set up shop in their penthouse and scope out the first date card. Who will the lucky bia be? Jojo!
It’s finally time for us to get to know this cutie a little better so she skeedaddles off to her date with Ben. They, predictably, go for a helicopter ride where they cuddle, kiss and get a nary a look at the Las Vegas sights below. The whole ride must have been REAL quick because the first part of that date takes like two minutes on screen. Although there is enough time for them to fly right above the rest of the girl’s hotel room to make them sufficiently
The dinner portion of their date involves almost no eating unless you count Ben trying his best to take down Jojo’s face. They both remark on how they are the cutest things they’ve ever seen and proceed to make out for the remainder of the date. As we get the extended cut of them groping on the balcony, I yell at myself for not putting Jojo in my top five.
Next up is the group date where all the girls try to hide in an attempt to avoid seeing their name on the card. “Maybe if I’m not there for the reading, I won’t have to go,” they think as they frantically applying foundation in the bathroom (seriously – these girls and their foundation skills are to be admired).
The group date has a ton of people not named Becca which means we all know who Olivia will try to sabotage next week. There’s no time for that now though, she’s on a mission to sabotage herself.
For this group date, the girls get taken to see a ventriloquist (really ABC, that’s the best you could do in Vegas?!? I’m not asking for Britney Spears but there’s GOT to be someone better than this guy that looks like he does show at local nursing homes) who has kindly offered up his stage and audience for the Bachelor girls to make a total mess of.
The girls will be putting on a talent show. When they find out, the majority look around and contemplate their utter lack of talents. Who knew the twins would be the most prepared of the bunch.
Rather than focusing on all the random acts that get thrown together willy-nilly, the producers make us focus in on Olivia’s impending meltdown. They really oversold this thing so it better be good. Instead of a full-fledged disaster (i’m talking no show on stage), Olivia attempts to be sexy and dress up like a Vegas show girls. I roll my eyes in time with the other girls as she goes on ad nauseam about how great she is going to be and how she is NEVER embarrassed. Um, yeah okay.
It’s show time and the rest of the girls piece together random acts that are slightly embarrassing but mildly endearing to Ben and then it’s time for the main attraction (in her mind, certainly not mine)… Olivia.
She rolls out in a giant birthday cake (and no shoes – what’s up with that) and proceeds to do the most awkward and humiliating dance in Bachelor history, complete with her one slightly unhinged narration. I was hiding underneath my couch when Drew woke up from his own snores only to wonder where I went. I threw up a white flag from behind the couch and then made him watch the madness for himself (I couldn’t go it alone).
Thankfully Olivia lack of self-awareness doesn’t extend to this display and she realizes what a massive idiot she looked like. She really only cares about Ben but I’m thinking she should be more worried about any news channel that would ever consider hiring her in the future. That thing is alive on the internet forever now.
Not content to make a fool out of herself once, Olivia doubles down at the cocktail party basically running amok and ruining everything for everyone else. I felt bad for that pretty dark haired girl – I have no idea what her name is, Olivia has been hogging all her screen time – who snagged some time with Ben first thing only to have Olivia dive bomb into it like the atomic bomb she is.
Ben and Olivia’s conversation is about as big a dose of SE as we’ve had all season. I’m not sure how he avoided standing up and simply walking away from her. That’s definitely what I would have done. That or placed my hand over her mouth and just said “Shhhhhhhhh” until she finally stopped talking.
Olivia’s Tiarrable ways (aww remember Tiarra?) can’t stop Lauren B. from being the cutest and stealing Ben’s heart though. Those two love birds catch up, spend a good amount of time necking and holding hands like teenagers while reassuring each other of their feelings (I think open mouth kissing is the best way to handle this on this show). Ben gives her the group date rose which makes Olivia’s head want to explode. The rest of the girls just nod their head in approval because they obviously know that Lauren B. is a total cutie.
The last solo date of the week goes to Becca and since they’re in Vegas, the producers make this virgin dress all in white and head off to a wedding (hey, she’s been waiting long enough, right?). The producers love the old faux-wedding date and I have no idea why the girls keep falling for it. Hey Becca, you’re not getting married. They realize that if you’re not going to get married to Farmer Chris when he’s clearly head over heels for you, you’re not getting married in Vegas.
Instead of tying the knot, these two are going to be marrying people in Vegas all day. Ben decides to take this REALLY seriously. Like a little too seriously for Vegas weddings but hey, he values love and wants Becca to know that. Becca stands by Ben’s side awkwardly laughing the whole day until it’s finally for them to go
eat dinner kiss and talk about why Becca hates Farmer Chris.
Ben wants to find out what Becca’s deal is and she basically tells him she wasn’t that into the farmer but she’s WAY in to him. And even though she’s WAY into him, she’s still WAY OUT on having sex. So no funny business Ben. D3 may be head over heels for Becca but I think she’s a little annoying and a little too tan. Something about the way her skin and hair are almost the same color. That’s neither here nor there though, the moral of the story: she gets the rose.
It’s cocktail party day but instead of a day spent sleeping, getting manicures and nervously throwing up, there’s a surprise. Ben is taking the twins on a two-on-one date to decide which one he’s going to keep. And since they’re in Vegas (and because the date budget for this episode has already been blown), he takes them to their house. The twins are super excited but know impending doom is just around the corner for one of them.
Emily, smelling blood in the water, immediately throws Hayley under the bus. She tells Ben that Hayley is timid and shy and will never be open with her feelings which is a word combo that puts some sort of voodoo spell on all contestants. Ben agrees (and thinks that Hayley just has way too many pictures of her ex in her bedroom), the twins mom agrees and so Hayley is cut loose. We’ll miss her … yeah right, we’ll have no idea she’s gone other than missing out on those tandem treadmill shots.
At the actual cocktail party, Olivia continues her reign of terror basically ruining everything. She’s stealing time which is the Bachelor equivalent of premeditated murder and all the girls talk frantically behind her back. They’re all pretty convinced now that she’s totally unstable though, so they avoid saying anything to her face in hopes that she doesn’t suffocate them in their sleep with a pair of Pink sweatpants (bringing that full-circle ya’ll!). She also gets a little too involved when she admits to Ben that she’s falling in love with him. Ben is all like WOAH NELLY and stands up and backs away slowly. But instead of kicking her crazy ass to the curb right then and there, he let’s her go back to the rest of the girls and talk about how their connection is some next level shit. The good news, Jojo doesn’t buy it. The bad news, Ben doesn’t seem to be as horrified as the rest of us.
Other notable interactions include Caila and Ben being super cute together (hard to figure out who’s the cutest cutie out of her, Lauren B. and Jojo), Jubilee continues to give off mixed signals and Lauren H. is still kind of annoying.
At the end of the night Ben ends up sending home Rachel (we hardly knew yee) and Amber (see ya on next season of Paradise). Both cry uncontrollably despite only spending a total of 15 minutes with Ben over the last four weeks. It’s clearly a pattern, each week more of the brunettes are forced out in order to make more room for the beachy waved blondies. My money’s on Lauren B.
Until next week… stay tuned.