Man oh man, sometimes I forget how great The Bachelor can be. It’s like Christmas – you know it’s great but can forget the exact feeling until it’s back. And man, is it back. I live tweeted this episode so I’m a little worried that I used up all the funny so just in case you missed it (or because you like to watch TV like a normal person) you can catch up here.
First and foremost, can we all start a slow clap for the casting director who found this season’s sweet gem of crazy, Lace? Four for you Glen Coco, you go Glen Coco. In all honesty, without Lace and Olivia’s mouth, tonight’s episode would have been a little meh. Lots of overuse of the words amazing, journey, future-husband, soul mate (I just typed soul mater and then immediately thought of Ben as the character from the movie ‘Cars’ so there’s that – hey, it’s late) but not much else to get really worked up about. Actually, I take that back. I forgot about the date where Ben awkwardly smelled all of them. That was great.
The episode opens with a shot of Ben putting on his pants, cause why not. He’s looking forward to spending more time with the ladies because it’s important to learn their names. The first date card is a group date where Bachelor veterans Becca and Amber are joined by an actual veteran and a bunch of other girls with wavy bronde hair. They load in to limos and get loaded on champagne before getting dropped off at … school? Yup, Ben wants to take the girls back to high school or the last time he had this many desperate girls clamoring for his attention.
The gals are challenged to complete a “science project,” tested with some elementary geography and then lead outside for
slaughter a foot race. Because nothing proves your love for a guy you just met like a sprint over some miniature hurdles. Mandy takes home the crown, no really, she won a crown, but not before Lace ruins everything and Becca and Jo Jo prove to America that they failed 4th grade geography.
Mandy may have won but Ben ditches her faster than a virgin at prom at the cocktail party. He saves his loving for some one-on-one with Becca (where did that basketball hoop come from? how is she such a good shooter?) who woes Ben with her wet jumper and absurdly tight dress (girl, can you breathe). This date went over VERY WELL at our house since it combined D3’s (ICYMI – that’s my five-year old son who LOVES The Bachelor) two favorite things: basketball and Becca.
Jubilees grabs a quick kiss along with a couple other relatively normal chicas. The real star of this date was Lace who picked up right where she left off, full of crazy and not afraid to show it. I wish I could remember more of the crazy crap she said but it’s hard when it’s ALL CRAZY. Serious question: Is that show ‘Crazy Ex-Girlfriend’ just a girl reenacting scenes from The Bachelor over on the CW?
Lace keeps trying to make fetch happen with Ben and he’s all like, where’s that cutie Jo Jo or LB or literally, anyone. The act of live tweeting was the only thing keeping me from jumping head first into my couch cushions. What is wrong with this girl? Has she no internal filter? Does she hear the words coming out of her mouth?
Speaking of mouths, we’ll get to Olivia’s soon enough.
In other news, Amber and some other girl whose name we’ll never learn high-five over having literally no time with Ben. Oh Amber, just go back to Bachelor in Paradise already. In the end, Mandi’s hurdling for Ben’s love means nothing and he gives the date rose to Jo Jo.
Next up is Caila who seems normal enough, cute and relatively fun which on this show means she’ll get booted right before the hometown visits. Until then though, Ben picks her for the one-on-one which has been planned by the one-and-only Chris Harrison. Why this date isn’t just a tag along on one of Ben and Chris’ bro days, I’ll never know? (Bachelor Producers – Make it Happen.) Instead of sneaking a peek behind the curtain with CH, we’re subjected to this week’s sponsored date. It’s a ride along, get it, with Ice Cube and Kevin Hart. They’re like this season’s Amy Schumer without all the morning-after pill jokes.
If you were looking for the moment Kevin Hart and Ice Cube sold their souls to the devil (why would you?), this was it. Bless their hearts for having to ride around with Ben and Caila and not try to totally roast them. Instead they bought flowers, got all meta by taking a hot tub dip in a hot tub store and enjoy some mild roasting from Kevin Hart (Ice Cube was all like “Get me the F out of here.”). Props to both of them for putting in some major work promoting Ride Along 2. I almost want to go see it just to reward them for their efforts, almost.
I’d talk more about Caila but that would be boring. Moral of the story, she’s cute, seems pretty normal and grounded, Ben agrees and serenaded her on the dance floor all while poor Amos Lee jumped the shark before our eyes.
Now the fun starts. The next group date has the twins, Olivia’s mouth, the girl that doesn’t speak English and Allison the attorney. The girls are dressed all in white (but not like that, in their dreams) but instead of a faux wedding, their determining what their natural scent is (I think mine would be a combo of cookie crumbs, pasta sauce and vodka) and more important, whether Ben finds it sexy. No really, this was the date. They went to some laboratory with a creepy, too white teeth, out of central casting, love doctor (his name was Dr. Love) who told thy’d be donning some weird headgear and letting Ben smell them. Now talk about a journey.
At the sniff test, Ben notes that the majority of ladies smell flowery and sweet but closes out with one whiff of Samantha who he declares “sour.” At this point, I expected a bunch of Oompa Loompas to hop out, do a quick choreographed dance routine before pushing the stinker into the garbage pit where she’d never be heard from again. Much to my disappointment, all we got was a giant mouthed cackle from Olivia.
Next up the gals lined up for their turn in a body heat chamber with Ben where they would get the chance to smell Ben’s breath up close and personal while scientist determined their compatibility. The best part, all the other girls get to watch this awkwardness from the room next door. Not sure what these scientists were thinking though, they should have been registering the increase in body heat and heart rate of the girls boiling over as they watched each other get THIS close to Ben’s face. Then you would have had me hooked. Instead I only half watched until Olivia’s loud bragging shook me out of my Twitter trance.
Dr. Love and his team of crack pot scientists determine that Samantha stinks (no really, she’s a sour grape) and has little to no compatibility with Ben. Olivia and her giant mouth, on the other hand, were the most compatible. She celebrates with finger guns and shouting out “winning” while the Oompa Loompas FINALLY appear to cart off Samantha.
The cocktail party is mostly a combination of Olivia’s teeth and desperation which looks to be the theme of this season. I’d be more descriptive here but I cant honestly remember any of the other people on this date right now. I assume they all had long wavy hair and talked a lot about ‘needing time with Ben’ while complaining about Olivia getting the date rose. Oh speaking of that rose, do you all remember that awkward conversation where a bunch of desperate wannabes talked about ‘how perfect’ the rose looked? I wanted to reach through the TV, smack them all in the face and yell “Snap Out of It!” I mean I know that the twins are just that and aren;t contributing to society in any other way than being blonde, but c’mon ladies you have jobs and hopefully friends back at home. Stop acting like a bunch of 12 year olds at a One Direction concert. (Disclosure: I have no idea what 12 year olds do at a One Direction concert. Hell, I’m sure they probably act way cooler than these dingbats.)
So it’s finally rose ceremony time and I, for one, am anxious for Ben to get rid of some of this dead weight. I really can’t commit to learning this many girl’s names, I assume he feels the same way. At the rose ceremony, Olivia (who is a hybrid of Courtney from Ben’s season and Tiarra from Sean’s season) stomps repeating “I’m Olivia Higgins” while stealing everyone’s time. Back on the couches, the rest of the girls plot ways to kill her in her sleep and wonder aloud if she has more teeth than the rest of them. Ben finally gets some one-on-one with my favorite, Lauren, and presents her with a picture of them at the last rose ceremony. We all know some production intern slipped that in his jacket pocket before the party but I’m not mad. It was sweet and I’m hoping this gal gets more screen time next week.
In other crazy news, Lace corners Ben and tells him, again, that she’s not crazy which is a sure sign she is collecting his hair and lint and creating a voo doo doll of him in her Bachelor Mansion bunk bed.
Ben takes five to do some quick flash cards with the production team to brush up on the girls names before rounding up the troops for their dismissal. I’m hoping that we can split up the twins (or get rid of them entirely), keep that teacher around for commentary purposes (I assume her name is Lauren because aren’t they all named Lauren?) and get some quality time in with Chris Harrison. I was also pretty sure Ben would send Lace packing but then I forgot we haven’t gone on the road yet and she seems like she’d be perfect on a trip.
In the end, Samantha’s stink is enough to get her sent packing (that or the prom dress she wore to the party) along with Mandi and Jackie. Also, LB decides that these girls are all bonkers and she’s got to get back to reality. Lace (and the entire Twitterverse) rejoices because that means she gets to stay and bring her crazy for another week along with Olivia and her mouth, that girl who barely speaks English, a couple Lauren’s and D3’s girl Becca.
The previews for next week look real nice with a couple crying sessions and a lot of Olivia throwing shade.