Four hours of The Bachelor in two nights. That makes for more than your fair share of crying, craziness and confessions of love. We go from eight to four right quick and there were definitely some surprise exits.
ABC was pretty bold to put The Bachelor up against that SNL Special and the NBA All-Star Game (guys secretly love The Bachelor too) but that snow storm came in clutch so we were able to watch all four hours back-to-back. You know, with some obvious bathroom/feed your kids breaks.
Chris and the ladies got pretty bold in Iowa. Also, big ups to Iowa for getting so much camera time. Who knew it was such a great place to fall in love? While we’re on the subject of the Hawkeye State, let’s just jump right in to the top five moments from this weekend’s extravaganza.
* Arlington, Iowa. We all got a big, giant dose of Arlington last night. That sleepy little ghost town will never get that much publicity again ever. Here’s hoping those super sad shots of Main Street inspire some benevolent Iowan to move back and help revitalize because that was BLEAK.
You know when you heard small town, you imagined some quaint little Main Street full of old timey diners, locally-owned bookstores and a hair salon where all the ladies get their Kate Gosselin cuts. Instead that was a straight up ghost town. Not nothing was open.
There’s got to be some strip mall metropolis nearby though right?
So Jade got the least exciting and romantic date in Bachelor history when Chris hauled her ass from the bright city lights of Des Moines to the deserted streets of Arlington. She did all the fun stuff: toured Chris’ Rooms To Go furnished bachelor pad, strolled some empty streets and then got to awkwardly meet everyone Chris knows at the home town football game. It was all capped off with some necking on the lockers outside English class. Woof.
Despite this, Jade seems earnestly interested in his life and even gets to meet Chris’ parents. Can we talk about this for a sec? Now that we know Chris breaks little Jade’s heart, why oh why did he take her to his hometown? And why did he bring her a Starwood Varsity Jacket to her hometown? Me thinks it had something to do with…
* Jade’s Nudie Pics. Look Jade was just a small town girl trying to make it in the big city when she was approached to do some tasteful nudes (okay, I have no idea if they are tasteful or not but Playboy’s semi-class right?). LA has got to be expensive and you know some guy told her she was really pretty and should model for him. What’s a girl with rent due gonna do. Well, in Jade’s case she shed some clothes and got a little nasty.
And while the Jade that Chris knew was sweet, quiet and demure, a trip home and a chat with dear old Dad let’s us know that Jade is a wild mustang that cannot be tamed.
Jade had been debating about the right moment to tell Chris and decides that it should come in his Motel 6 hotel room. Jade breaks the news and much to Chris’ delight breaks out the laptop. Let it be known that things got weird at our house as we huddled behind a blanket trying to avoid the embarrassment from the look on Chris’ face. To my surprise, he looked like he was digging it and you know he asked her to leave that browser open so he could do some more investigating once she left.
I’m thinking Jade has come clean and locked up that Fantasy Suite rose but then SHOCKER, Chris picks Becca. What the what? I thought Jade had this thing in the bag. Clearly she did too. Could it be that my girl Kaitlyn is gonna win (don’t tell me if you read Reality Steve).
* Britt’s Breakdown. One girl who will not be happy about a Kaitlyn victory is Britt. The wheels really came off for Britt this week. I’d like to think it has something to do with the lack of proper hygiene but I think we all know that her group date meltdown did her in.
To recap, Carley, Kaitlyn and Britt had a hockey date with Chris before heading off to a clown maze of giant letters for the cocktail party. While snuggling up in a giant neon C, Britt tells Chris that she is falling for her and is excited for him to come to her house where they’ll get as many seconds as they want while they eat on paper plates in front of the TV(sounds real nice). Then Chris will get to meet her Dad where he will presumably tell him that he wants to marry Britt. Chris seems mildly interested in this but way more interested in getting his smooch on. Britt assumes that he will kick the other girls to the curb right then and there, pick Britt up and drive his tractor straight to her hometown (side note: did anyone else notice how weird she pronounced FAAAAMily?)
Instead, Chris gets his one-on-one time in with my girl Kaitlyn and gives her the rose she so right deserves. But woah, he was really walking into the line of fire when he went to grab that puppy. I half expected Britt to just tackle him from behind when he snagged it.
The two love birds come back to bask in awkwardness and Britt just loses it. Her selfish narcissism is on full display and she’s able to fully convey her true self to Chris who is all ‘oh hell no.’ Britt assures Kaitlyn that this has nothing to do with her even though it has everything to do with her since Britt just assumes every one knows that she’s a superior human albeit one that barely showers.
Chris looks into her crazy soul and decides she’s not for him which is clearly why he called off that rose ceremony. Despite Britt’s assurance that she would quit before getting dumped, she decides to give it one last go with Chris who promptly asks her to get the hell out. And at home, we all celebrate like the girls when Kelsey got sent home.
* That rap. I thought I couldn’t love Kaitlyn any more and then she took Chris to record a rap on her hometown date. Gah she’s great. It’s like she knew that we all needed a good five minutes of Chris embarrassing the hell out of himself.
You know the dude inside that recording studio was dying trying to keep a straight face. Woof those rhymes were brutal but the whole experience brought some solid LOLLZZZ to an episode that was desperately in need of a little fun.
* The Departed. It started early with Megan dropping out. I feel like Megan could have had some solid commentary on Iowa and for that she was certainly missed.
Then it was time for Britt and Carley, to bite the bust. Britt, go home, shower, pick out a new shade of lipstick and give-up wearing those hammer pants. Carley, I’ll look for you when I finally decide to take my kid on that Disney Cruise. In the mean time, I cannot wait for the showdown these two will have on the Women Tell All special. That is going to be epic. I imagine Britt will go deep into her egocentric psyche to pull out some punches. Is that next week? I hope so.
Last but not least, the big shocker. Jade was sent packing. Chris said it had nothing to do with being vulnerable and sharing her secret, I’m going to go ahead and say that’s a lie. This girl had it on lock and then boom, just like that it was gone. I’m not buying it.
What did you all think about the double up? Did you expect for everyone to be gone so soon? Are you already stock piling the wine for the Women Tell All?
Until next time… stay tuned!