Secondary Embarrassment: The Bachelor is Back to Form

Longtime readers over here know I love The Bachelor. So much so that I used to write super long recaps about it. Unfortunately, I don’t have the necessary free time to dedicate to full-episode thought pieces but last night’s episode was so good that I felt like I needed to pop back on here and share my rediscovered love for the most dramatic show on national TV.

I’ll admit that I wasn’t excited about Colton as The Bachelor. Yes, I find him conventionally attractive but I was exhausted with the virgin storyline and thought he was boring. Oh and he had a lisp. I say had because those producers have clearly called in the professionals to fix that. And sorry I’m not sorry about the lisp thing. It bothered me and I couldn’t focus on anything else during Bachelor in Paradise.

How I thought I would feel about this season. Image: abc.com

But all of that is in the past. This season is a return to the show’s roots in the spirit of two of my favorite seasons – Brad Womack (Part II) and Sean Lowe. Were Sean and Brad my favorite Bachelors, hell no.Β  But did they make for a great season, yes yes yes. They are the prototype. Hunky, all-American guys from Flyover Country who love sports, don’t want to opine on the finer things in life and are looking for a beautiful girl to create an attractive nuclear family with. Preferably said girl is blonde, has long hair and may or may not have competed in a pageant.

Now Sean Lowe ended choosing someone a little different than the prototype but the cast of characters fit the bill.

Brad Womack, well that season was perfection. I mean, both Emily Maynard AND Michelle Money were on that iteration. Name a more iconic duo? It was gold. So much so that I may go back and rewatch it. Are Bachelor reruns on Hulu?

C’mon this didn’t look promising

That brings us to this season. Colton is just what we need right now. He’s kind of like a blank slate. I can’t think of one personal opinion he’s given on any subject, aside from confirming what we all knew, that he likes football and working out. I feel like the only sliver of personality he’s shown is choosing a vintage Ford Bronco as his bachelor ride. Otherwise it’s mostly coy smiles, googly eyes and aw shucks grins mixed in with the frequent make-out session. No lie, I’m racking my brain right now to try and think of a time where Colton has said more than two consecutive sentences on the same subject. Okay, he did make some thoughtful comments in response to the details on Caelynn’s terrible and heartbreaking college sexual assault. So props to you Colton.

But this season isn’t really about Colton. This season is about the girls. And it may have taken a couple weeks to get to know them all (there are just too many at the beginning), and at first, I had my doubts. There was a lot of the same standard boring nonsense but now things are heating up and it’s getting good. The last two weeks have given me a renewed enthusiasm for the franchise. I am putting down my phone, ditching my computer and putting my full focus on the screen. Something I haven’t done in years.

I think most of it has to do with Demi, who I LOVE. They keep trying to paint her as the villain but this girl is television gold. I love how she gives zero F’s about the nonsense and is totally fine getting into with anyone who crosses her. She shut down Courtney with the quickness. You can’t blame her. Demi told her to go talk to Colton and instead, she just sat there complaining, then tried to blame Demi instead of her debilitating insecurity. My girl wasn’t having that.

Can we get her on the Real Housewives once her stint on this and Bachelor in Paradise is over? I can easily see her going toe-to-toe with Tamra and Vicki in the OC.

Not sure what I loved more: her fight with Courtney or the way she told Colton about her mom’s time in Federal Prison. Either way, I want more of both.

Another thing I want more of, shopping spree dates. The producers are true evil geniuses. You know those girls would rather watch Colton loudly open mouth kiss Caelynn in a hot tub than see her walk in with that giddy retail therapy glow clutching about a million GIANT bags filled with high-end merch. When she pulled out that Valentino heel I thought one of the girls might grab it from her and throw it out the window. I can’t say that’s not what I would have done. If the heel had been pointier, she easily could have been stabbed.

That was some cold shit. And I LOVED it.

All of us when she walked in with those bags.Β 

Poor Cassie, who seems normal – albeit drop-dead gorgeous, damn near lost it. And that’s what a shopping spree shoved in your face can do to your spirit. It will break you. Side note, Cassie is my guess for the next Bachelorette.

All in all, I am pleasantly surprised at how this whole season is coming together. I think there’s a lot of crying, a LOT of kissing and some VERY dramatic one-on-one dates in the future. If last night’s roll in the hay with Hannah G. was any indication, I think Colton will be losing the virgin title by the end of the season (fingers crossed). Side note, was anyone impressed that Hannah G’s ponytail stayed so intact after that heavy petting sesh? If there’s one thing these girls are experts at, it’s doing hair. I’m continuously impressed.

Moving on… I’m genuinely enthused about the rest of the season. I think there is some good stuff in our future. So I’ll do my best to pop on here to discuss throughout.

What are your thoughts on the season? Love it? Hate it? Fan favorites? We NEED to discuss.

 

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